Summary:
Christian tries to end things with Syed for good. But can Syed change his mind?
Couple:
Christian and Syed (Eastenders/Soaps)
Word Count:
656
Language:
English
You Are Always On My Mind
“No, Syed. I can’t do it anymore. I am sorry. But I can’t.”
Christian tried hard to hold back his tears. It hurt so much, but there was no other way. He just couldn’t do this anymore. He loved Syed way too much to share him. When this whole cruel spiel began he was just glad that he had his Syed for a little while longer. But now, now it was different. He was different. His feelings were different. He couldn’t just lay his whole heart on the line knowing that Syed would probably just take it and break it into thousand little pieces.
“But Christian, this is working isn’t it? We are working. I can’t… I mean… I just…”
Syed was desperate. He could feel his heart beating faster and faster until he thought it would just jump out of his ribcage onto the floor. This couldn’t be real. This just couldn’t be happening.
“Yeah? What is it that you mean? We are working? No, we are just working when you decide we do. It is always just you. Where am I in this whole thing? You never think about me. About what I feel. It’s just always you. Hell, I don’t even know what you really feel for me.”
Christian turned around. He was not able to look into these dark, brown eyes. He knew that he had to stay away from him. For his own sanity. He loved this man with all his heart, with all his soul. He never loved anyone else like this. It was new. It was exciting, and it hurt like hell.
“Christian…”
Syed took a few steps forwards and laid his hand carefully on Christian’s shoulder.
“No.”
Christian just whipped the hand away as if it was a disgusting insect.
“No. I’ve had enough.” His voice was so low, scarcely audible.
“I’ve had enough.”
When the two strong arms enwind around his waist Christian didn’t have enough strength anymore to fight them. He was just tired. Oh so tired. He’ve had enough of fighting. Fighting for Syed. Fighting against him. Fighting with him.
“I love you, Christian.” Syed’s voice was just a whisper but it gave Christian goose bumps all over his body. Carefully, he closed his eyes wanting to keep this moment forever.
“I can’t believe that you don’t know how I feel. I mean I just have to look in a mirror and I see it in my eyes. I am completely, totally in love with you.”
Gently, he gave him a small kiss onto his neck.
“I know that we don’t have enough time. That we never have enough time. But you are always here. You are always in my heart.”
Slowly Christian’s resistance began to crumble.
“I know that I treat you horribly. I hurt you. You, the person that I love most in this world. I should lay the world to your feet. I should give you everything that you want….”
Syed pulled the warm body in his arms nearer to him and laid his head on the strong shoulders of the man that he loved with all his heart.
“But you always knew that I can’t be this man. All I can give you is my love. Tell you everyday how happy you make me. Hold you during the cold nights. Try to make you understand that in a different world you would always be my first choice. And hope that in the end, your love to me doesn’t die.”
Christian could feel the warm breath of his partner on his neck. He could feel the warm embrace and Syed’s heart beating fast and hard. He could feel every beat. Every breath.
“You are always on my mind, Christian.” Syed whispered. “Always on my mind.”
Your Heart's Content 