Summary:
McDean AU: Craig is tired of life. He just wants to end it. But can someone safe him?
Couple:
Craig Dean/John Paul McQueen; McDean (Hollyoaks)
Word Count:
1349
Language:
English
From Here To Eternity
Craig
I feel the harsh, bitter wind caressing my skin. I’m freezing. But okay. I didn’t think to put on any warm clothes. I didn’t think about how cold it would be up here. I pull my shirt a little bit closer around me and look over the city.
Somehow the lights underneath me are very comforting and calming. They let me almost forget why I am here. Almost. But not completely. I know why I am here and what I have to do. I just need a little bit more time. Not too much. Just a few minutes.
I have to take a few more breathes. I have to feel again why I am here. I know that I’m doing the right thing. My family deserves it. It will be a salvation for them. I smile at the thought of them. How will they react when they hear about it?
I think they will be relieved. I’m sure Jake will be. Maybe Steph will cry. She is too emotional. Mum. How will she react? Will she cry? Will she be sad? I don’t think so. She will be happy. Happy and relieved. The shame will be over. And she will be free to think about me what ever she likes.
Yeah. It’s the right decision. Again I’m looking over the sparkling city. Over the city which is pulsing with life. A life I won’t take part of anymore. I voluntarily won’t take part of anymore. I thought about this for month. I mulled over it for weeks. But there is no solution. How do they say: No way out. And they’re right.
I take a breath again and feel the cold roof under my fingers. I try to saviour all the little moments right now. Every touch. Every single second. How will it sound when I crash down on the asphalt? Will I hear the noise? Will I hear my own screams?
Goose bumps run slowly over my back and I stroke my hand over the cold aluminium sheet of the roof. Just a little bit more time. A few minutes and I will be ready.
JP
My feet are finding their way without thinking. It was not that I woke up this morning and thought about this roof. No. Seriously not. It was just a morning like so many others.
I went to work, as usual. Functioned as normal. Just like every other bloody morning. But something was different. It was the way I said goodbye to Louise, my workmate. It was the way I went for a pint after work. It was so much more intense. It was like somebody suddenly pulled away the curtain and now I could finally see. I can see and I know what I have to do right now.
I saw this roof a thousand times. Often thought if this could be the right place. When I was on my way home I suddenly saw the open door. It was just like an invitation. A promise which I couldn’t refuse.
And so my steps are going higher and higher up the stairs. I know it’s a long way to the top. And I know that the way down will be a fast one. But I enjoy this way. It’s like a salvation. A salvation which calls me louder and louder. I can feel my steps lighten with every stair.
With every step the weight on my shoulders which has laid there for an eternity lifts a little bit more. As I arrive at the roof door I feel so light headed, almost dizzy and drunk. Yeah. Here everything will find their ending. An ending I have deserved for so long. My soul will finally find peace.
I lay my hand on the cold door handle and I open it. The wind on the roof is bitter and I start freezing. I take a few steps to the edge of the roof but suddenly I stop. There on the edge a young man is sitting and let his feet dangle.
I don’t know if I should be bothered by his presence or just be surprised. I mean I came up here for a very specific reason. It’s my roof. My own special roof. I don’t want to share it with another lunatic. But I’m still staring at him. He hasn’t noticed that somebody else is up here. He just looks over the city and plays nervously with his fingers. It starts to irritate me. If he came here to watch the wonderful view over Manchester then he can probably do it on another evening too. If he came for the same thing as me then he really should hurry up. There are other people who want to use this roof too.
Suddenly I feel pretty stupid. I really shouldn’t think like this. I mean maybe he is here for the same reasons as me and I really should feel sorry for him. It’s a very difficult situation for any one. I should be more understanding. But all of a sudden I recognise how strange this whole thing is. I am here to commit suicide. I shouldn’t waste my last few moments thinking about a guy I don’t know. I should be thinking about my life and what I will miss. The weddings of my sisters, the births of my nephews. I should think about my past. About all of the happy moments, the sad things.
But no. I’m standing here and watching another poor guy who probably had the same idea as me. Great John Paul. You’re even too stupid to commit suicide properly. I can feel the anger rise in my stomach. It seems that even my death will be like everything else in my life. A complete failure. Frustrated I’m kicking a little rock away which bounces against the little stonewall on the edge of the roof.
And suddenly the young man turns towards me. His eyes are taking my breath away.
Craig
I don’t know how long I sit here. Actually it feels like an eternity. When I made the decision that today would be the perfect day for my little journey to eternity I was so sure of it. I just wanted to go here and jump. Plain and simple. Without any distractions. But now I’m sitting here and I have to confess: I’m scared. Will it hurt? Will it be painful? What if I don’t die immediately? Maybe I will end up in a hospital bed. With Mum and Steph around me. Looking at me as if I’m completely insane. Do I really want to do this?
Great. Craig. You are such a coward. You are even too much of a coward to do the one right thing. You know it’s the only option. It always was. But no. You are too stupid to do this one simple thing right. Yeah. This sounds like you, you poor little loser. Your cowardice was always your biggest problem. And if you are honest with yourself this is the problem which brought you here. And now you are sitting here on this roof. The whole city under your feet. You have this one chance to make everything in your fucking life right and you are too afraid. I can’t believe that I am such a chicken.
Okay. Be brave. For once. Take a deep breath. Count to ten. And then: Just do it. Just jump.
I close my eyes and start to count. One.. Two.. Three… Four.. Five.. Six..
But suddenly I hear a noise behind my back. I wince but turn around. And there he stands. A tall young man. With blond hair and maybe the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen on this planet. Even in the dark they are sparkling. And suddenly I’m not so sure about anything anymore.
Your Heart's Content 