Fanfiction: Know You All Over Again; Chapter 2

Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…

Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)

Word Count:
66103

Language:
English

Status:
Completed

Know You All Over Again: Chapter Two

“My dear Korn. You know I love you like a son, but this is getting ridiculous!” Yiwah’s voice is loud and almost shrill but at least she is finally catching my attention.

I look up to her and her face is a weird mixture of anger and… pity? I put my head to the side and blink at her. I am not sure what I did wrong, but apparently I must have offended the queen quiet badly. Otherwise I wouldn’t get punished with this.. look?

“I just can’t take it anymore!” She sighs dramatically and slumps back into her chair. We are currently at a restaurant, where Yiwah forced me to meet up with her for dinner. I really didn’t want to go in the first place, as I rather stay to myself these days, but she insisted.

“I don’t know what you mean.” My eyes are big and I honestly don’t know what I did wrong.

“You are sitting here with me, the fabulous Yiwah, having a delicious dinner. But all you can do is look like a kicked puppy while pushing this really amazing stir fry from one side of your plate to the other. I just can’t watch it anymore. You are spoiling my appetite.” I can feel the heat rising up to my cheeks when I blush.

“Sorry.” I mumble almost more to myself. It seems that apologising is my new favourite sport.

I put my head into my hands and another sigh is escaping my lips. “I guess I am not much fun to be around these days. Maybe we should just call it a night.” I am trying to find my purse in my pocket, but before I can even start, Yiwah puts her little hand onto mine. I look up and I see my best friend now looking at me with the deepest concern I have ever seen.

“Korn.” She says my name so gentle, it almost makes me crack and fall apart. But let’s be honest. If I break now, there is no glue in the world that could put me back together….

“I know you are grieving.” Grieving? What an unusual choice of words, but it strangely fits.

“But it’s been two months now. You need to start taking care of yourself again. You are not doing anyone any favours by punishing yourself like this. Knock wouldn’t…” I can’t stop the bitter laugh from escaping my throat.

“Knock? I could be dead for all he cares.” I can feel the tears dwelling up in my throat. But I refuse to cry. I will not cry. I have cried so much during the last two months. I just don’t have any tears left…

But that’s a lie. I know that I will cry again… I will cry when I lay in bed and not have his warm body next to me. I will cry when I wake up and not see his silly smile. I will cry about the most stupid things you can imagine… Just because he is not there to share them with me.

He was my life. Before he was my love, he was my friend. And even though we didn’t meet for a couple of years in our teens, it just feels like he has been such a huge part of my life, like forever. And not having him with me anymore is killing me. It’s killing me everyday anew. I know, it’s my fault. I am not stupid. I destroyed this relationship with my own stupidity.

Yes, Knock is no angel, he is messy, he is difficult and he can be so immature. But all this I can overlook. What I can’t overlook are my own mistakes. Hiding him from my family, even forcing him to sleep somewhere else and fake a girlfriend. And then on top of all this messed up shit I cheated on him. With our boss. It’s like the cherry on top of the cream and the sprinkles. And I can’t just forget that.

I love Knock. I always have and I couldn’t believe my luck when this amazing man decided that he loved me too. But I took my life and just destroyed it. I don’t even know why. Maybe because I wanted to make everyone happy. Unfortunately it turns out I didn’t make the person happy that counted the most: Knock…

I really can’t blame him for wanting nothing to do with me anymore. I just can’t. I am sure if the roles were reversed I would do the same. But then again I know it’s bullshit, because it doesn’t matter whatever he does, I would always stay with him. I love him so much, it’s almost an obsession. It’s almost unhealthy.. Well, it is unhealthy… And if I am completely honest a tiny little part in the darkest corner of my heart is almost disappointed that he was able to move on. That his love for me was not enough.

But as soon as this tiny part of my heart just says a peep I can feel all my guilt crushing over me again. And it’s true. I don’t deserve him. I killed our love. Not him. I did it all by myself, with my bare hands during a drunken night. Apparently that’s all it took for me to throw my whole life away. A few too many drinks and an anger inside that was more directed towards myself then him. But I just couldn’t let myself acknowledge, that he was not the problem. The problem was me and my cowardice. I was so angry at myself…

Maybe that’s why I slept with Pete. Because I wanted Knock to leave me. Because I felt like he deserves better then being with such a coward like myself. I don’t know… But I hardly do anything else these days then analyse these couple of days that totally took everything off me that I ever held dear.

“Korn, you know that’s not true. Knock still cares for you. He is just too hurt at the moment to show it. Give him some more time. He will come around.” Yiwah’s smile was suppose to be encouraging but in her eyes I can see that she also knows that Knock won’t come around. Yes, he might still care for me, but this last tiny little flame will just go out like all the other emotions he once felt for me.

“We both know that Knock and me are over. And it doesn’t matter how much I wish it would be different, there is no way that he will ever take me back. He will never be able to forgive me. Hell, I am not even able to forgive myself…” The tears are now pricking so hard against my eyes that I have to close them for a second. Once I open them again I can feel the tears gently hanging in my eye lashes.

Yiwah looks over to me and I can see her compassion and love for me in her eyes. She carefully tries to wipe away the tear drops in my lashes.

“Korn, you made a mistake.” She stops. “ Everyone can make a mistake. We are all human after all.” Her tiny hand is back on mine and draws soothing circles on the back of it.

“I almost made the same mistake like you. I was just lucky because someone stopped me before I had the chance to go through with it.” I look up in surprise. It’s the first I heard of this.

“What happened?” I ask her quietly while her eyes are now everywhere but on me.

“You know my boss Art, right? Somehow we got very close. We have so much in common and he is a good looking fellow. Well and things with Cho just…” She stops and takes her hand back. She is embarrassed by what she is about to tell me, I can feel it. So I just keep quiet.

“Cho and me both worked so much during the last months and it seemed like everything was more important then me. We never made time for us. And Art.. He was there. He was so nice and lovely and he gave me all the attention I wanted. Well, I wanted from Cho, it turns out.” She laughs bitterly.

“We almost kissed. I wanted to. But Art stopped me. He knew about Cho and he knew that I still love him. So he saved me from myself in a way. He saved my relationship with it.”

“Does Cho know?” I ask her.

“Of course. I told him right away. I felt so guilty about it. I mean, nothing really happened but still. We both agreed that it was a warning sign that something was not right between us. So ever since we are trying to be better. Make more time for each other, be there for each other. It works.” A shy smile is gracing her face.

“I am happy for you. I wished things were that easy for me.” I laugh shortly.

“You stupid oaf, I haven’t even told you the important part.” She slaps me on the shoulder and for such a tiny person she pulls quiet a punch.

“The main point is: in the beginning I just couldn’t forgive myself. I felt so guilty for what I’ve almost done. So I can just imagine how bad you must feel for actually doing the deed.”

“Thank you for reminding me. Does this story have any point whatsoever?” I ask her a bit pissy now.

“Yes, it has! Of course. Otherwise the fabulous Yiwah wouldn’t waste her breath on it, would she.” Yiwah is pushing some strands of her hair back over her shoulder and I almost have to laugh at her antics. She is still the queen bee to the whole of Thailand.

“See, Korn. I had to forgive myself to be able to move forward with Cho. My guilt was eating me up and it almost poisoned my relationship with him. Only when I finally let go of my guilt, Cho and me really had a chance to make things better. I am not saying that I have forgotten what I have almost done. No chance in hell. But I had to make my peace that I make mistakes like everybody else. I am not perfect. I know, hard to believe…” She looks at me with a serious face.

“But honestly, Korn. You have to forgive yourself. You have to stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. It’s not doing you any good at all. It will just eat you up.” She pauses shortly for a deep breath. “And all the punishment in the world won’t bring him back, you know…”

It feels like she just punched me in the stomach. I can’t breath anymore and the tears are dwelling again in the corner of my eyes. Yes, she is right. No punishment in the world is bringing him back. He doesn’t even see me doing all these things to myself. Not sleeping, not eating properly, just sitting here pitying myself for all my losses. But all this is not changing anything. He is gone. I have lost him. Due to my own fault…

The pain washed over me like a wave and I can feel my heart breaking all over again. One should think that a heart can just break so often. But I can tell you it’s not true. My heart has been broken again and again and the worst part is: It was broken by my own doing.

The tears are finally falling and I hide my face in my hands. I feel so pathetic, but I am just so lost. Without him everything just lost it’s meaning. Why go to work? Why clean the house? Why cook? There is not reason for anything anymore.

It feels like I have lost the centre of my universe. I have lost my sun. The sun, around everything revolved. And now… There is just a gaping black hole that is threatening to devour everything in it’s way.

I can hear Yiwah getting up and sitting beside me. Her arms sneak around my shoulders and with this tiny gesture I totally loose it. I don’t mind that I am sitting in the middle of a busy restaurant. I could be anywhere. Right now all I can feel is the pain, the pain and the loss. I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s just way too much…

“You are coming with me, Mister!” Yiwah’s voice is stern once I have finally stopped crying like a little baby. I should be embarrassed but somehow I just can’t be bothered.

“I am meeting with Cho for our Friday night date night and you, Sir, are coming.” I sigh as I really don’t want to play third wheel for my best friend and her boyfriend while I am currently residing in heartbreak hotel. But I know her well enough to know that she won’t take no for an answer and that’s why we are on our way to Cho before I even have the time to protest for the tenth time.

Yiwah is trying her hardest to cheer me up, but it’s not working. For her sake I am trying to keep a smile on my face, but god knows it doesn’t reach my eyes.

We arrive at Cho’s place while Yiwah just tells me some story about one of her colleagues at work. She opens the door and suddenly it feels like the earth just stopped. I can’t see or hear anything anymore. All I can register is the gorgeous man sitting on Cho’s couch, munching on some fried rice while shouting obscenities at the telly: Knock.

I don’t know how long it’s been. It feels like years, but I am sure it’s just been a couple of weeks. And here he is now. In all his natural glory. Playing video games with his best friend with no care in the world. It’s like my Knock is sitting right there. But it’s not! He is not MINE anymore…

Yiwah is just rattled for a few seconds before she says something that I don’t even notice and moves over to the boys on the couch, hugging both of them in the process.

“Korn, don’t be silly. Come in and sit down.” Yiwah is saying in my direction and all I can see is his face.

“It’s fine, Korn. I don’t mind.” His voice is breaking me out of this spell and I slowly move over to them, after closing the front door. I am shuffling awkward to the couch, not knowing where to look or even worse, where to sit.

Yiwah is sitting already next to Cho and they are having a quiet catch up after not seeing each other for the day. It really looks like these two are trying very hard to get back on track.

The only space left is directly next to Knock and after a deep breath I sit down.

It’s ridiculous how one little thing like sitting next to him can throw me into such a whirlwind. But it does. I can smell his cologne. He is so close that I can even feel his body heat. I know that Yiwah is trying to talk to me, but all I can give her are some half arsed answers. I am not even sure if they make sense whatsoever.

But all my senses are completely overloaded with emotions. He is here. He is right next to me. And I have to physically restrain myself from just grabbing him and kiss him senseless. Every fibre in my body is screaming at me to just do that, but I know if I just even contemplate doing that, he will be even more furious with me. And I just can’t take his hate anymore.

All I want at this moment in time is for him to at least give me a chance to be his friend again. Yes, maybe not best friend, maybe just an acquaintance. But even that would be better then not having him in my life at all. I am such a mess right now and I am yearning for him. Physically yearning for him. Yes, I am like a little teenage girl pinning for her lover, but I don’t care. I take whatever little bit of Knock I can get. Just one tiny smile would be enough. Just something.

Suddenly Knock gets up and mumbles something about bathroom. Three pairs of eyes are following him. I take Knock’s Playstation controller and continue the game for him.

“You know that he is still not over you, right?” Cho’s voice is making my head snap up.

“What?” My ears must betray me.

“He still loves you, you idiot. Everyone with eyes can see that.” I look at Cho with a surprised face.

Before Cho can say another word, Knock is coming back into the room. He looks chill on the outside, but I know him too well. I can see that he is shaken on the inside. Is it… Is it because of me?

I don’t even dare to get my hopes up, but a tiny little glimmer of a flame is suddenly starting to burn deep in my heart.

Knock sits back down next to me again.

“Here, you can have it back.” I say with a soft and low voice. I hold the controller over to him and when he tries to take it out of my hand it suddenly happens: Our hands touch and it feels like a million volt of electricity rushing through my entire body, setting every nerve on fire. Our eyes meet and I feel like I am drowning in those pools of melted chocolate. I can see so much hurt in them, it takes my breath away. But just for a second I see something else.

I see love…

It’s just for the blink of an eye, but it’s all I need. There is still a chance.

And I will be damned if I am not at least trying to take it.