Fanfiction: Know You All Over Again; Chapter 4

Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…

Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)

Word Count:
66103

Language:
English

Status:
Completed

Know You All Over Again: Chapter Four

I am sitting in the guest room at my sister’s and still can’t believe what just happened.

I mean how did things go from me having dinner with Yiwah to me having sex with Knock in like six hours? It’s absolutely crazy and I am sure I got a whiplash from the 180 turn my evening took.

Do I regret it?

That’s a tough question to answer, to be honest.

In a way I don’t regret it. It was just amazing to feel him again. I missed him so much and I still can feel his lips on my skin right now. I didn’t think that I would ever get the chance to be this close to him again so I maybe should just take it as a blessing and move on.

But I know that I can’t. I won’t be able to move on. I still love him so much and just imagining a life without him in it is breaking my heart all over again.

I am laying down in the bed and look at my mobile. It’s four in the morning. At three Knock kicked me out of the flat. It’s just been an hour and my thoughts just can’t shut up.

He blamed me for using a condom. I can almost see why he felt the way he did, but in the end we are not a couple anymore. I just didn’t want to assume anything and wanted to be on the safe side, literally. But it looks it came to bite me in the backside.

Yes, I might have been a bit concerned about him being with other people in the meantime, but that’s not the reason why I used it. I used it out of respect for him. But it doesn’t look like he got my reasoning whatsoever.

When he said to me that this was just sex, I could practically hear all my hopes of a relationship shatter on the floor. I don’t know why he said it. It was not just sex. There was a connection. Such a strong connection. It has been like it always been between us.

Somehow the whole world just ceases to exist when we are like that. It’s just us. Just our bodies and something so primal it takes your breath away. I never had that with anyone else in my life and I doubt that I will ever have it again.

But that’s not even the main reason why I can’t sleep right now.

I am just so scared right now. I am so scared that this one, yes, admitingly amazing, encounter has destroyed any chance of a friendship that might have been there otherwise.

I know that he is angry right now and I am sure that in his head there are already the most idiotic theories coming together on why I used protection and god knows what else. I know him so well and I know that he likes to overthink things.

Funny, I know. Everyone would think that he is so goofy and happy go lucky. But when it comes to his emotions he is not very expressive at all. So all he does is being broody and starts to overthink everything.

I rub my hands over my eyes and I know that sleep won’t come to me tonight. I get up and put on some clothes before I leave the flat again. I have no idea where I am going or what for. But I just need to get some air to straighten out my own thoughts.

At the moment everything is just a huge mess. There is pain, heartache, longing and to much angst. I am so scared that he won’t talk to me anymore after tonight and I really, really can’t take the thought of that.

The evening started so promising with Yiwah, Cho and us two just hanging out like we did in the good old days. It felt so good to hear his laugh and have his presence near me. I can’t loose that. I rather watch on while he is sleeping with half of Bangkok then not having him in my life at all.

I suddenly stop in my tracks when I notice where I actually am. Looks like my feet had a mind of their own as I am right in front of our old apartment complex. I get my mobile out of my back pocket to check the time. It’s half past five in the morning.

My heart is beating to rapidly as a resolution is forming in my head. Yes, he has kicked me out, but I don’t want things to stay this way. We need to talk about what happened.

We never were good in the talking department. We always showed our affection in other ways, words were hardly necessary. But it brought us so much trouble over the years, that it’s almost insane. The last time we broke up it was just down to bad communication and I really, really can’t take the thought of loosing him completely all over again.

I am taking a deep breath and just walk inside. My legs are a bit shaky as I make my way to the elevator. I have been here so often, I could walk the way to the flat in my sleep. But now with my heart beating like a drum I feel like it’s the first time I have been ever here.

What is he going to do? Is he going to throw the door in my face? Is he going to refuse to talk to me? I have to gulp hard at just the thought of that. I really can’t face that right now.

But I have to be mature and grown up for a change. I usually am so responsible, but when it comes to him, all sense of reasoning goes out of the window.

I arrive in front of his door and my knock on the door is just gentle and a bit awkward I guess. I am standing in front of his door at half past five in the morning. I am sure that I am waking him up. But it has to be done.

I knock again, this time a bit more firmly and I can hear footsteps from inside.

The door opens and Knock’s wonderful face comes into view. He hasn’t slept either. I can tell by the way his hair is just the same as it was when I left him and the way his eyes are just so, so tired.

As soon as he sees me outside the door he is trying to close it again, but I just use my strength to stop him.

“Knock, we need to talk!” I bring up while still trying to keep the door open. His face is turning slightly red from the effort he uses to close the door again.

“There is nothing to talk about.” He presses the words between his lips.

“There is and you know that. I am refusing for us to just go back to ignore each other.” I can see that the clogs are turning slowly in his head but he is not convinced yet.

“I promise you. Just this one conversation. If you want me to leave you alone afterwards, I promise I will do that. But let’s just try for once to do the mature thing and have a chat.” With these words I can feel the pressure of the door easing up and with a loud sigh he let me come in.

“Do you want something to drink?” He asks me before he falls back onto the couch where it seems he spent the other part of the night. There are empty beer bottles and some junk food wrappers littering the floor around the couch and the crumbled up blanket is a telltale sign that he just laid there.

Two months ago I would have scolded him so badly for the mess he made but now I just smile softly. He truly never changes. He is such a big child and he still lives like he is a school kid in boarding school.

“You know where everything is, so just suit yourself.” Knock closes his eyes and rubs his hands over his face. He looks so tired it almost breaks my heart seeing him like this. I would love to just pick him up right now and take him to bed. Just to put him under a blanket and spoon him until he falls asleep. But I don’t have the right to do that anymore. I lost that right due to my own stupidity. The pain in my chest is quick and bright. I have to force myself not to flinch.

“So, you wanted to talk? Then talk.” He is still laying down, so there is no space on the couch. I choose the lounge chair instead. Maybe a good idea not to be too close to him anyway. I want to talk after all.

“I think we need to talk about what happened tonight.”

“What’s there to talk about? We fucked. End of story.” His choice of words is making me wince. He knows how much I hate the word fuck. I sigh lowly.

“You know that this is not true.” He still doesn’t look at me and with the way he is laying down I can’t see his face properly. I hate that I can’t even read him right now.

“So what do you think happened tonight?” There is a slight edge to his voice and I am wondering where this is coming from.

“We made love….” Knock makes some sickness noises and I really want to slap him right now. But I know that I can’t let my temper rise all over again. He wants to provoke me. I am sure of it.

“We made love, because we missed each other. And we still love each other.” I stop to wait for a reaction, but there is nothing.

“I know what I did was so wrong and I can’t do anything to make it go away. But I still want us to be together. I still want you. I love you.” I can feel some tears welling up behind my eyes. This is the first time in two months that I have said these words to him. Well, in reality I say these words every day to him. Just in my thoughts, in my dreams. I never stopped saying them…

Knock gets up quiet abruptly and I am shocked when I can finally see his face. There are tears running down his beautiful cheeks and I want to just wipe them away, kiss them away. Do whatever it needs to just make him hurt less. This is all my fault. I have done this to him. I couldn’t feel more guilt if I tried.

“I know that, Korn.” His voice is so low and tiny, I have trouble even hearing him. He looks at me with these brown puppy dog eyes of his and even though I really shouldn’t feel this way right now, I can’t help but fall in love all over again. He is the most perfect creature I have ever laid eyes on.

I can’t help myself anymore and just move my hand over to gently stroke away some of the tears. To my endless surprise he let me do it.

“I know that you love me and that you never wanted to hurt me.” A small smile is appearing on my face and I can feel my hopes rising once more.

“But you did and I just don’t know how we can go back to what we had before.” His words are punching me in the stomach. So hard, I am not sure if I still can breath.

“I wished I knew how to fix this. I miss you so much, it hurts. My life is such a mess without you in it. But I don’t know how to fix this. I just don’t.” More tears are falling now and it’s not just his anymore.

It’s the first time we just sat down properly to have a conversation about everything. Yes, we talked about things back then but there was just so much anger and hurt, it always ended up with us yelling at each other. Well, mainly him yelling at me, but who can blame him.

When we were too tired to be angry and hurt anymore we just managed to dissolve all the practical matters and that was that. We didn’t talk about… well, about anything really. But hearing his words right now.. I have never hurt so badly in my entire life. I can feel the desperation getting a hold of me all over again.

“But there must be something I can do. I mean, we love each other. We have been together for such a long time. This can’t be it. Please, just tell me what I need to do.” He looks at me with these big, sad eyes and all I can see is resignation.

“Korn, I would love to tell you that you just need to do x,y and z and everything will be alright again. But I can’t. I really, really can’t. I am not trying to be difficult right now. I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore.” A fresh batch of tears are flowing down his face and I just can’t take it anymore.

I move over to the couch and sit down next to him. He let it happen without any complaint. Even when I put my arm around his shoulder and pull him closer he doesn’t resist.

I bury my face in his hair and try to hold him as close as I possibly can. I can feel that he is crying even harder now and I am trying to sooth him with gentle strokes over his back.

It doesn’t look like it’s working whatsoever as he just sobs even more.

I can’t believe that I did this. That I am the person who did this to my wonderful, amazing Knock. The lump in my throat is just getting bigger with every sob I can hear from him. His hands are not touching me, they are laying loosely in his lap. It almost feels like all the fire, all the spirit has left him. He looks defeated like I have never seen him and the guilt I feel right now is killing me.

It takes a while for him to calm down a bit, but I am just holding him without saying a word. I would hold him until he end of time if he would want me to. But eventually he is leaving my embrace and looks up to me. His eyes are red and slightly swollen, but he is still so beautiful.

“Can we be friends?” His voice is still hoarse from crying and I am not sure if I understood him correctly.

“You wanna be friends?” I am not sure if I should celebrate or mourn.

“I just can’t be without you in my life. It’s tiring.” A small smile appears on his lips and I still don’t know if I should be happy or destroyed.

“Korn, you have been my best friend for such a long time. We have been friends before we were…” He doesn’t spell it out, but I know what he means. “I miss my best friend and it looks like I really could do with a friend right now. I am not sure if you noticed, but I am doing not that great at the moment.” The short laugh coming from his mouth is like a knife right into my heart.

Yes, he is not doing good. I can see it everywhere around him. I can see it in him.

And it is all my fault. All my fucking fault.

I would love for us to be back together. Be a couple. But somehow…

“What if I can’t be your friend?” Before I even get a chance to stop myself the words are out of my mouth. Knock moves a tiny bit away from me.

It’s maybe just a few centimetres, but for all I care he could have moved to another continent. He doesn’t even need to say it out loud. I know that I will never get another chance to be more then just a friend to him.

It takes a minute for him to continue speaking and I can see that he is weighing his words very carefully. And everything he says right now is just him. Just pure him. His feelings and his thoughts. There is no calculating ideas behind anything. It’s just him, the raw and wonderful him.

“I love you, Korn.” His declaration feels like he hits me with a frying pan over the head. I almost feel like passing out.

“But I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore. It’s too exhausting.” He smiles sadly.

“I can offer you my friendship, but I don’t think that I will ever be able to offer you anything more.”

“Why?” I know it’s such a stupid question but somehow I want to hear the answer. I need to hear the answer. I want to hear the honest answer from the bottom of his heart. Without any yelling or shouting. Just the truth. Even though I know it will kill me.

It seems like Knock understands my meaning. And instead of laughing in my face given the stupidity of the question he just takes some time to think about what he is going to say. I can just wait and stare at the man, who still holds my heart.

I know that people mostly see this goofy guy, but underneath all that, he is the most thoughtful person I know. You just need to look hard enough to find his core, his being. And I was lucky enough that he shared that with me in the past… The tears are already pricking behind my eyes, when he finally speaks again.

“I just don’t think that we can be in a relationship. Looking back at our relationship made it pretty clear. You never trusted me whatsoever. You were always so scared about me cheating on you. You just never had any faith in me.” He stops to take a small sip of water and I am trying to hide the tears that are threatening to fall right now. Because every word he says… He is right…

“And then the whole thing with the coming out. I am not sure if you know how much it hurt me that you hid me for such a long time. I was always your dirty, little secret. Even at university. Everything else was always more important to you then me. See, these things never changed.” And with these word I am loosing my battle against the tears.

“It feels like you never had faith in our relationship either.” He laughs sadly but it could have been a sob as well.

“How can I build my life around a person who doesn’t have faith in me or our relationship? And then everything happened with Pete…” His voice is just getting smaller and smaller while the knot in my throat is just growing and growing.

“To be honest ever since, I don’t have any faith in you anymore either.” The words are feeling like a fist punching my heart over and over again. I am trying to keep myself together, but it gets harder and harder.

“How can we have a relationship where you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you? It would just be such a mess and we would hurt each other all over again. And I just can’t do that anymore. I am so tired of hurting. I can’t do it anymore.” He wipes his hands over his face and I can see that he is right. He is exhausted and again guilt is raising it’s ugly head.

“I don’t want to loose you, Korn. But I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore. I just can’t.” I just nod silently. I understand him and I can’t blame him. He is right with his words, with every single little word he is absolutely correct.

“I mean, look at us tonight. You used protection when we slept together and I already assume that you are sleeping around. And you are the same. I heard it in your voice when you asked me about sleeping with other people. You already thought I did it with someone else. As if I would. You should know me better. But you don’t. Because you don’t trust me. And I sure as hell don’t trust you anymore either.” Our eyes meet for a second and suddenly something clicks in my head.

“Why did you assume I am sleeping around?” I look at him with a questioning look.

“Come on, why else would you have a condom on you? We never used any in the last few years.” His eyebrow is raised as if he wants to say: I am not THAT stupid. And even though I am hurting like hell right now, I can’t stop a little giggle rising up by throat.

“You think that’s funny?” Knock raises his voice slightly and I feel that laughing might not be the best move right now. But heck, it is too funny really.

“I didn’t have a condom on me. I used one from our bedside table.” His face is all confusion now.

“You really don’t remember? You even bought them.” His eyes are moving back and forth and I can see that he is doing his damnest to remember what I am talking about.

“This fight we had about cleaning the sheets after… you know…? You said that it was just a waste of time and I said that I don’t want to sleep on wet sheets? No? You don’t remember?” But suddenly Knock’s face changes and a slight tint of redness is changing his skin colour.

“Oh, I remember. I bought them as a solution to the wet sheets problem. But you didn’t want to use them because you rather sleep in wet sheets then have something inbetween us…” His voice trails off as he clearly thinks about the same event I am doing currently. That evening back then was filled with laughter, love and so much sex. It was such a glorious evening and somehow it just makes everything so much worse right now.

“It’s funny how such a tiny thing like a condom can freak me out so much.” His eyes are so sad right now, I kills me.

“But I think it just proves my point. We don’t trust each other anymore. Maybe we never did…” The big knot in my throat appears again and I have trouble breathing. More tears are stinging behind my eyes and I just know he is right.

But what should I do right now? Be his friend and never be able to touch him again? Or should I just disappear out of his life?

I am taking a long look at him. His cute, little button nose is slightly swollen from the crying and his lips are so red right now. I would love to just kiss him, but seeing all these traces of sadness on his face make me realise something.

It’s my fault that we are here. It’s my fault that he is hurting so much. My fault alone. And I don’t just mean the thing with Pete. That’s nothing really compared to the bigger picture. Because he is right. I never trusted him fully. I was so jealous and was so afraid to loose him that in the end I just pushed him further and further away.

I hid him for so long because I was afraid what might happen if my family finds out. But I also hid him so long because I was afraid what would happen if he leaves me for someone else. How would that make me look? Being the gay guy whose former heterosexual partner decides after all this time to be back with a woman? I was so sure that he would leave me eventually, that I just didn’t have enough courage to come out. I just didn’t want people to look at me with all this pity once he left me.

Looking back he is totally right. I never had faith in him or our relationship. Even though I was so possessive and jealous, in the end I was the person who was always already with one foot out of the door, because I didn’t believe that he would stay with me forever.

And by doing that I totally oversaw that his love for me was so big and true that it’s almost frightening. He changed his whole life for me. He came out to his parents. He was so proud to be my partner. And what did I do? I hid him and distrusted him at every corner. I honestly can’t believe that I was so unfair towards him. I can’t believe that I really did this to him.

I am looking up at him again and he just seems to wait for my answer. He is trying to wipe away the last few tears from his cheeks and I know how much he is suffering right now. And it’s all because of me….

“Okay, let’s be friends.” A tiny smile appears on his lips.

“You mean that?” His voice sounds hopeful and it breaks my heart all over again.

“Yes. Because you are right. We shouldn’t be in a relationship if we can’t even trust each other. You know I love you more then anything else in the world. But I see now that I have been treating you so badly all these years. I understand that you don’t want to go back to that.” I gulp hard, but the knot is just not disappearing.

“Korn…” This time it’s Knock who pulls me into a hug. His body is so warm and comforting around my body, it makes me weep all over again.

“We had a good relationship…. well, most of the time we had. Just because it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean I regret it happened.” I close my eyes and just breath in his cologne. He makes me feel more dizzy with every breath I take.

“You are sure, you can be my friend?” He asks, his voice so near my ear that I get goosebumps running down my spin. I just nod.

“What happens when I get a girlfriend?” My stomach turns just hearing these words.

“Korn, honestly. Can you live with that?” I am moving away from him and look him in the eyes. I hope he can see my sincerity.

“If having you as my friend is the only option to keep you in my life, then I take it. I won’t lie. I love you. Of course it won’t be easy to see you with someone else. But again. If this is what it takes to have you in my life, I take it.” He smiles at my words.

“I am sure once we are back on a more friendly level you will fall in love again as well. I don’t want you to be alone forever.” He looks at me with so much care in his eyes, it makes my heart hurt.

“You know, we won’t love each other forever. Love is such a fleeting thing. It will just go away and all that will be left if the brotherly love we had for each other once. We just need to wait for it to happen.”

His words are like a shovel digging up my grave. Brotherly love? I never had brotherly love for him. And I am sure I never will. We won’t love each other forever? I know that I will never stop loving this impossible man.

But if this is the only way to keep him in my life, I am going to take it. I know it will kill me in the long run.

But that’s future Korn’s problem. Present day Korn is just happy that I have Knock back in my life.