Fanfiction: Know You All Over Again; Chapter 5

Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…

Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)

Word Count:
66103

Language:
English

Status:
Completed

Know You All Over Again: Chapter Five

The sun was already up when we finally made it to bed. Yes, I said we, because Korn stayed with me for the remainder of the night, or maybe morning.

I was so exhausted and tired, I couldn’t help myself. I needed human touch, I needed my best friend, I needed him.

So we ended up in the same bed we just hours before made passionate love. It was weird knowing that this wouldn’t happen again and maybe I would have been more upset about it if I hadn’t been so damn tired.

Korn almost carried me over to the bed room as I just continued to fall asleep on the couch. He wanted to leave, I knew that. But every fibre in my body wanted him to stay. So I did what I always do when I want something from him. I looked at him with my best puppy dog eyes and invited him to stay with a whisper.

The fight of his emotions on his face was breathtakingly beautiful and I knew that I had won. He slipped into the bed next to me and held me close. It was not sexual whatsoever. It was just comfort. Comfort and warmth and I was surprised how much I just missed this.

It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep. In his strong arms, surrounded by his warmth, his smell and his comfort. I felt save for the first time in months.

This was four hours ago and I slept like a baby. I have just woken up now and I feel so much better. Korn’s arms are still around me, my head now on his chest. I always loved how I fit perfectly in this little dip just underneath his shoulder. It’s like it was made for my head. I open my eyes and turn my skull so that I can see his face.

His regular breathing is telling me that he is still fast asleep. It seems that yesterday was not just exhausting for me. A tiny smile is creeping onto my lips.

It’s the first time in ages that I have the opportunity to watch him without any fear of being detected. And I will make the most of this opportunity. Believe me.

His eyelashes are so black and long against his cheeks and the random flutter here and there is telling me that he is dreaming. I wonder, what it is that he dreams about. Before I would have said that it was about us, but nowadays? I don’t know anymore.

His lips are slightly parted and his breathing is so steady and deep it almost lulls me back into sleep all over again.

I slowly move my hand from the space on his stomach where it had been lying for the last hour or so and reach up to his face. I stroke his cheek so gently, almost as if I am afraid to break him. It’s more that I am afraid of waking him, to be honest. But the result is the same.

His skin is burning under my fingers even though his cheeks are almost cold thanks to the AC. But just touching him has this effect on me. A simple touch can be so much more when it’s him. It can be like a jolt of electricity. It can be a burning fire or a simple shiver. But it’s never nothing.

He is truly remarkably beautiful. There is no question about that.

I was never into guys before him. Yes, I could see why someone would be considered good looking, but it was never the kind that made me want to just kiss that person senseless. But with him…

It was always different. I remember our first night together. The first kiss was just a drunken dare, but the second one… Oh boy, the second one was something else. I can still recall so well the way he kissed me. So gently and careful and I could taste his fear every second this kiss lasted. Once he moved away from me I had a choice. I could have told him to stop. That this was nothing I was interested in.

But I didn’t. For the longest time I wondered why I didn’t. But I know now. It was because even back then he was something special for me. I wouldn’t have let anyone else do to me what he did to me that night. I would have beaten every guy in the world into a pulp if they would have just tried to do what he did.

But with him… It was different. It was as if a missing puzzle piece finally fell into place and made me whole again. It took me a while to understand it, but it was always him.

So why am I not just giving in and let him move back into my life, back into our flat, back into everything that I loved so much?

I can’t give you an answer. I just can’t.

It’s not that I don’t want it. I would actually give my right arm to get back what I have lost. But somehow the whole break up opened my eyes to a lot of the problems I didn’t seem to see when we were still together. And if I am honest then I just can’t go on like that.

I am a very simple person when it comes to the ones I love. If you conquer my heart, be it as a friend or a partner, then you have my love and I am loyal to a fault. And I was way too loyal with Korn. I forgave him every time he hurt me. And believe me he hurt me so much over all these years.

I know I am not perfect. That was never the question. I am immature, lazy and sometimes so stubborn it would drive a saint crazy. I know being in a relationship with me is no pick nick.

But I loved him with all my heart. I changed everything I thought I knew about myself for him. I just stumbled in this relationship, heart first. Maybe if I would have used my head a bit more it would have been different, but that’s just not who I am.

So my loyal loving heart got broken again and again and I am afraid I am at a point in my life where I just can’t take it anymore. Sure, I love him still. I love him so much it hurts. And lying in his arms all over again just makes my heart ache so much for him.

But I can’t give him my heart again. I have barely managed to get it back from him, before he had the chance to completely destroy it. I just can’t give it back to him so that he has a chance to finish the job. I just don’t trust him anymore and I know he has the power to absolutely crush me if he just wants to.

It’s funny. Maybe I love him too much. Maybe that’s why he has so much power over me. Maybe that’s why he can hurt me like no one else in the world. Because he is the person who can make me more happy then anyone else in the world…

But I rather not be that happy again if it means that I won’t be hurt anymore. I just can’t do it. I am so exhausted. Emotionally, physically…

Korn is slowly stirring in his sleep and I know that he is about to wake up. Being together for as long as we have been I know all the tell tale signs. The more shallow getting breathing, the crinkly nose and the stirring of the rest of his body.

I take my hand back from the side of his head where it just spent like the last half an hour drawing lazy patterns over his cheek and neck.

When he finally opens his eyes I can feel my heart bursting. The tiny smile on his lips is like a ray of sunshine and I can feel myself mirroring his smile.

“Good morning.” His voice is still coarse from sleep but for me it sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world.

“Good morning.” I answer, still smiling.

Somehow this is very strange. Korn’s arms are still around me and my head is still on his shoulder. We have woken up like that countless times, but somehow this feels new, but still familiar. Is that how it’s going to be? Being friends?

“Knock?” His voice is pulling me from my thoughts.

“Hm?” I look up again and I can see that he is mulling over something.

“What are we doing?” The smile is not any longer on his face and it stings.

“We are waking up, silly.” I am giving him a tiny nudge in his side, hoping to make the whole atmosphere a bit lighter.

“Are you sleeping like this with all your friends?” He raises an eyebrow and I know he is right.

“I normally don’t sleep with my friends either, but I still did it with you last night.” Korn’s confusion is palatable on his face.

“I guess we need to find some boundaries, if we really wanna be friends.” I sigh and am trying to remove myself from his embrace but he just pulls me even closer to him.

“Not that fast. We need rules, I agree. But who says that we can’t make up our own ones? Like ones that work for us.” I smile at his words and I know so well what he means.

“So what do you suggest?” I give up my fleeting attempt of escape and snuggle back into his arms. He is so warm and soft. I can feel goosebumps run all over my body.

“Well, we could still sleep like this together if you don’t mind…” His voice is shaking just the tiniest bit and I know that he is worried about my reaction. But to be honest there is nothing to worry. I love his embrace. I love sleeping next to him. Why should I deprive myself of that?

In the deepest corner of my brain there is a tiny voice trying to pipe up that I very well know why I shouldn’t sleep with him in one bed, but my longing is so much louder.

“I can’t see why we can’t do that. I mean I also sleep in the same bed as Fai or Cho. And that’s totally innocent.” My argument is weak at best, as we both know that I never slept like this with any of these two. But it doesn’t look like Korn is about to protest.

“Exactly. You are totally right.” I can feel him nodding and can’t hide my enjoyment. Yes, it’s all just in a friendly, friendshippy manner. Nothing else.

“Knock?” His voice is again telling me that he is getting more nervous.

“Hm?”

“What if sleeping together is leading to….” He stops and I can hear him take a deep breath.

“What if it leads to “sleeping together”?” My eyes widen at his words. I hadn’t thought about that at all. But he is right. Being so close together might eventually lead to something more. Maybe it’s a good idea to draw a line before we even cross it.

“I guess, then it’s just what is happening. I mean, we are both grown ups, we are both single. What’s wrong if two grown ups are having some fun from time to time?” I am surprised by my own words, but the way Korn is just pulling me even closer tells me that he is as shocked about my words as I am. He slowly reaches out for my chin and moves it up, so that I finally look into his face.

“Are you sure about it? I mean, you wanted to be friends.” He is searching for something in my eyes, but I am not sure what it is.

“Of course I am. We can sit here now and pretend that it’s not going to happen again, but we both know that this is just utterly impossible. We are going to have sex eventually again.” And while I am saying the words out loud I know how right I am. We are going to sleep with each other again. There is just no way around that. So why not just let it happen and see it for what it is? It’s just sex in the end.

“So we are friends with benefits then?” Korn sounds still unsure about the arrangement.

“Well, just if you are fine with that. I don’t want to pressure you into anything.” A sad smile appears on his face and I am not sure where the sadness is coming from. It takes him a minute to answer.

“I would love to be able to say that I just want to be your friend and that we really shouldn’t have sex anymore if we want to be friends. But I guess you are right. It’s bound to happen anyway. And it’s better if we talk about it beforehand instead of ruining any chance of a friendship when it happens.” I just nod.

“Yes, that’s my thinking exactly.”

“So we are friends, who hang out…” His left hand is starting to slowly stroke over my fingers. “…play videogames…” his hands are wandering up to my lower arm. “… go to the cinema…” his fingers are now caressing my biceps.

“And sometimes fuck each other.” I whisper lowly and his hand finally arrives at my neck. I can feel goosebumps all over my body.

“Are we using protection?” His voice is getting darker and darker and I can feel myself falling into a very familiar sensation: Lust…

“Are you contemplating sleeping with other people without protection?” I ask him back and he just shakes his head vigorously.

“Then I would say, no protection between us is absolutely fine.” I smile and his caressing hand on my neck is making me bite my lips.

“How about sex with others in general?” He asks and I can feel my heart flinch for a second. But one deep breath and his hand now gently stroking my cheek is allowing me to return into denial.

“I am okay with that. But don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know.” I have my eyes closed and I am just enjoying his touch way too much.

“That sounds fair. I don’t wanna know either.” I just nod. It looks I have lost my voice somewhere inbetween him stroking my face and now playing with the hair on my neck. A shudder is running down my spine and I can feel my desire just growing.

Yesterday night was amazing and I loved it. But it was harsh and quick. It was a starving man having his first meal in months.

Now it’s different. The way he is touching me is so gentle, so loving, it makes my heart melt. I know that we are playing a dangerous game here. But I refuse to be naïve this time again. We would always end here. On a bed or a couch or any other surface possible. So why not have some rules to minimise the damage?

Korn is now carefully moving me around and I am finally on my back again. I open my eyes and can see him hover over me, just looking at my features while caressing
whatever part of my body he is looking at. He looks breathtaking right now.

He always had this talent to make me feel like I am the only person in the world that counts and it doesn’t look like he has lost any of his abilities in that field.

He is slowly brushing his hands over my chest and my stomach before he arrives at the hem of my shirt. He leisurely moved his fingers under the fabric and starts to stroke over my abs.

I am about to loose my mind. There is no question where this is going. Maybe I should stop him. Maybe I should just leave all of this behind and never look back.

But I simply can’t. He is a drug I am not willing to quiet just yet.

I know that I will have to eventually. But at this moment in time I don’t see any reason to go cold turkey… Not when his touches feel like heaven…. Not when I want him so much it hurts…