Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…
Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)
Word Count:
66103
Language:
English
Status:
Completed
Know You All Over Again: Chapter Ten
We haven’t spoken a word since we have left the hospital. Knock is just staring out of the cab window, being all quiet.
I am just left hanging after my own thoughts.
Thoughts, that I really don’t want to have. Thoughts, I really, really don’t want to keep in my head.
Knock underneath another man.
Knock moaning for another man.
Knock being fucked…
I can feel my heart again miss a beat and I press my jaws together so hard I am afraid I might break my teeth. I take a deep breath and try to think about something else.
But again…
Knock…
Knock, on the phone, crying.
Knock, on the hotel couch, shivering.
Knock, in the hospital, looking so lost and scared…
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is always him. My love for him is swelling in my chest so hard I have trouble breathing.
I look over to my object of desire, but all I can see is a lost and lone look on his face. His fingers are drawing lazy patterns on the window glass and he looks all over like the little boy I met all these years ago. I would give my right arm just to know what he is thinking about right now.
I see how his lips are moving, because he is unconsciously biting his lips from the inside. He looks so lost and vulnerable right now and it brings my head back into reality.
Knock needs me right now. He needs his friend Korn, not his lover!
The best thing I can do right now is just burring all these feelings that are running through my veins and concentrate on what is really important: Getting Knock through this ordeal somehow.
Not all my stupid feelings and emotions. He is important right now, not me!
With another deep breath I am trying to swallow my jealousy and anger in one clean gulp. But like bubbles I can feel some feelings still floating inside of me. I sigh defeated.
When we finally arrive at Knock’s flat, I just pay the cab driver and get out with Knock. We are making our way upstairs, again in silence.
I still don’t know what I should say to this walking bundle of sorrow right in front of me. I am having a hard enough time as it is burying all these contradicting emotions inside of me. Making small talk in light of the given situation is currently totally outside my abilities.
Knock finally opens the flat door and walks inside. I simply follow, turn on the light and close the door behind me. It’s something I have done a thousand times and it’s almost ingrained into my brain. Something I can’t just switch off.
Knock suddenly stops dead in his tracks. He almost flinches, all I can see are all his back muscles just contracting in one go. He tenses up all through out his body and turns abruptly around.
“What are you doing here?” He looks at me like he just noticed me being next to him at all.
Somehow I feel exposed. I am not just sure why.
“What do you mean?” I am asking him like an imbecile with a growing worry inside my heart.
“Why are you here?” I knot my brows at him.
“I am here because you asked me to.” Now his face turns into the strangest kind of mockery.
“I did what? Are you crazy? I asked you to go with me to the hospital and nothing more. You can go now.” His voice sounds so alien to me.
It’s almost like he is trying to appear to mock me. But this all doesn’t make sense. What happened for him to change so much?
“What is happening right now?” I ask him in confusion but he just laughs bitterly.
“I am just asking you not so very politely to leave the hell alone.” He smirks and of all my bubbling emotions anger finally wins.
“YOU called ME and begged me to come to help you. I just did you a favour and you are now turning this into a fight? Are you kidding me?” Something in his face let’s me stop again.
Something is not quiet right here. I observe him more closely. And yes, there are tears in his eyes.
“JUST GO!” He yells at me and with every fibre of my body I just want to run to him and hug him, tell him, that everything will be alright, show him, that I still love him.
But he just is standing right in front of me. So full of emotions it is making his whole body shiver. I am not sure what he is thinking. I just don’t know anymore.
“It’s okay, Knock. I am going.” I say suddenly with a voice I am myself surprised about.
And somehow I know I am doing the right thing. He needs some time alone. I don’t know why, but right now all I can do for him is leaving him alone. If he is even willing to start a fight, just to get some breathing space from me then I leave on my own accord.
I know that he knows I would have never left him alone if he just would have asked me nicely. But for him to be so desperate to even start a fight to make me leave…
Then he apparently really needs to be alone right now. And I am so willing to be the mature person right now and do just that. Even if it hurts like hell.
I smile at him while taking a step closer to the agitated man in front of me.
“I will be gone in a second.” I look into his tired eyes and nod slightly. Knock is still shaking and I can’t help myself. I just pull him quickly into a hug.
“I am going now. But don’t believe for one second I won’t be back. I am here for you, whether you want me or not.”
Because I love you, you stupid idiot, my heart adds helplessly, but my tongue stays quiet.
I release him out of my hug and just turn around. I know I won’t be able to go if I just take another look at him. But while I am putting my shoes back on I swear I can hear him whisper “Thank you”.
……………………
As soon as I left Knock’s flat I already knew that I couldn’t be alone right now. So I did what I always do in these situations. I woke up Yiwah.
And that’s why I am sitting right now on Yiwah’s couch, while the queen herself is just busying herself with making us a strong coffee.
As always I didn’t even bother to call her or anything. I just went straight to her flat and rang the door bell. And as always Yiwah knew that something incredible important must have happened if I turn up on her doorstep like that. The last time was after Knock left me after everything that happened with Pete.
“Here, take it.” She shoves a cup of steaming coffee into my hand.
“What’s up?” She looks at me expectantly and I honestly don’t know where to start.
I know that Knock is okay with me telling Yiwah. All our close friends for that matter. Knock never was the type of guy who liked to break news to someone else.
I take a sip of coffee and try to bring all this mess into an order. I am not sure if I ever can.
“I got a call around half past two this morning. It was Knock. He said he did something incredibly stupid and asked if I could come to help him.” Yiwah stares at me with wide eyes.
“You are not telling me that you helped him get rid of a body? Korn, I don’t think I can condone this.” I have to smile at her seriousness. I wouldn’t be surprised if Yiwah really thought I helped Knock hiding a body.
“No.” I laugh for second before turning all serious again.
“But somehow it’s almost worse.” I say quietly.
“Knock went to GoGoBoys and found himself a nice man friend for the night.” I bring up with a mixture between gritted teeth and and some tears. Most likely I look like a manic serial killer right now.
“Korn. I am so sorry. You must be heartbroken.” I nod at her, trying to get my emotions back under control.
“But that’s not why he called me. The guy actually had pretty rough sex with him and tricked him into believing they had safe sex.” Yiwah’s eyes widen again with every word I say.
I can see in her face that she knows what all this means: Knock was the bottom and there is a chance he got infected with something. But Yiwah looks like she is not sure which one I find more upsetting.
“I took him to a sexual health clinic and they gave him some medication he now has to take for the next 28 days. So hopefully he should be fine.” I give Yiwah a small smile but she is still just staring at me with shock in her face.
“He will be alright Yiwah. The doctor said as well we came in the best time frame possible and he has a pretty healthy constitution. So he really should be okay. So don’t look so upset. He will be alright.” I am gently stroking over her hair, when she suddenly takes my hand.
“Korn, as much as I am worried out of my head for Knock, I am also extremely concerned about you. I mean, how are you holding up? I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel….” I cough loudly to interrupt her.
“Yiwah. I am fine. Honestly. Nothing there to be concerned of.” I give her a fake smile and hope she buys it.
“Yeah, of course you are alright. The love of your life just had sex with another man other then you for the first time. AND he was the bottom. Of course you are okay.” Yiwah’s voice is hitting me like a whip and I flinch with every of her words. Looks like she is not buying it.
I close my eyes and press up: “I. Am. Totally. Okay.”
“Oh, so you don’t mind that partner of the last five years might be potentially infected with HIV and might die because of this? Yeah, I can see. It’s just another day in the office. Nothing important here.” The sarcasm is dripping from every word. “Korn, you are talking to me. You don’t need to be strong. I am here for you, you hear me?”
And somehow I am crying all over again. What is it with Yiwah and her making me cry at every turn? I really should stop hanging around with her when all I do is cry like a toddler when I am around her.
Her small hands are pulling me as always in a hug and I lay my head on her shoulder, finally recognising how tired and exhausted I am.
“Feeling better?” She whispers and I just nod. “So how are you holding up?”
“I am feeling like I am in a centre of a hurricane. My emotions are all over the place. I am so angry with him, that he just went to a bar and picked a guy up like that. But then again I can’t be angry as we are not together anymore. But that doesn’t stop my jealousy to just run riot. And then I feel guilty because everything that happened is just so damn awful for Knock and I really want to support him. But I am angry, hurt, jealous and a couple thousand more emotions. I just don’t know what to feel right now.”
Yiwah just listens quietly to me ranting on and on and it feels like a big stone is being lifted from my heart. I finally feel a little bit freer again.
“I can imagine.” Yiwah states. “I really don’t know what I would do if I would be in your situation and Cho would be the guy in hospital.” I laugh silently.
“You would do exactly the same. Because you love Cho, the same as I love Knock.” Yiwah gives me a tiny nudge into my rips.
“Yeah, you might be right.” She laughs. “But what are you going to do. It doesn’t sound like he wants you around at the moment, the way he kicked you out of the flat.”
“Hm, I really don’t know. He has to take PEP now for the next couple of weeks. So maybe…”
“Who has to take PEP?” Farm’s voice is startling me. He suddenly appears behind us. He apparently just came through the front door. It’s almost 7am right now. This boy…
Yiwah looks up to me as if to ask if we can tell him. I just nod.
“Knock.” Yiwah just states matter of factly. Farm’s eyebrows just shoot up.
“Oh!” Is the only thing he can say before his eyes are moving over to me.
“No, he hooked up with someone and something went wrong with the condom.” I don’t want to tell everyone every detail of the night’s events. That’s up for Knock to decide.
“Shit! That’s harsh. A friend of mine had that happened to him. Had to take PEP straight away.” Farm just drops next to me on the couch.
“Are you going back to stay with him?” Farm looks at me but I just furrow my brows.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because he will need someone with him. This stuff is pretty nasty. Chances that he will be vomiting and maybe even running a fever are pretty big.” He makes a face at me as if he had to apologise for break the news to me. I just gape at him.
“But the doctor said that the side effects are just minimal.” I protest.
“Yes, compared to a couple of years earlier they are pretty mild now. But I would still describe them as pretty bad. Quiet a few people don’t complete the course because of the side effects.” I feel a cold shower running down my spine.
Without as much as further thinking I am getting up and go over to the front door.
“Korn? Where are you going?” Yiwah calls after me.
“Going back to my sister’s.” I say with a seriousness in my voice that even scares me.
Your Heart's Content 