Fanfiction: Know You All Over Again; Chapter 11

Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…

Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)

Word Count:
66103

Language:
English

Status:
Completed

Know You All Over Again: Chapter Eleven

We haven’t spoken a word since we have left the hospital. Korn is just sitting next to me in the cab, being all quiet.

I am just left hanging after my own thoughts.

Thoughts, that I really don’t want to have. Thoughts, I really, really don’t want to keep in my head.

How stupid I am. How much I must have hurt him tonight and how much of a failure I truly am.

I can’t blame Korn for not talking to me. I wouldn’t want to either. Actually at this moment in time I don’t even want to see my own face anymore. But just as a bitter joke of fate I notice my reflection in the cab window. I see my eyes which are observing my features quietly. I can see the tiredness everywhere and yes, I can see the shame as well…

I take my finger and gently stroke over my reflection. Maybe I wouldn’t look so sad if I could just smile for a second and with my finger I am slowly drawing a smiley mouth over my own. But it just makes it worse somehow.

I know I am a mess right now. I am tired, I am hurt and I am so many more things. I don’t know where to turn to right now and even though my usual source of comfort is sitting right next to me I just can’t bring myself to turn to him.

I feel so guilty for even dragging him into all this. I know he is worried about me and yes, I know he is jealous and angry as hell about me hooking up with another guy. I am well aware that I dragged him not just through my personal hell tonight. No, I am sure it was his as well.

So how can I now turn to him? How can I lean on him all over again when all I do is always fuck up?

I get too drunk, I am always late for work, I never go shopping or do any of the other mature things that someone my age should eventually do. I am such a walking disaster.

And suddenly a thought I flashing through my mind that I hoped I had silenced a long time ago. But it seems I am not that lucky.

Because how can I blame Korn for cheating really? I mean I have been behaving like a stupid child for so long and he had to be the responsible parent.

No wonder he got sick and tired of me. No wonder he didn’t want to tell the world about me…

It’s all my own fault and suddenly it feels like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I hardly notice when the cab finally stops. I just get out and walk to the front door. I have the tiny feeling that I have forgotten something, but it doesn’t matter really. I just open the door and walk up to my flat. I open the door to the apartment and somehow it feels like I haven’t been here in ages. Everything feels so different. I am feeling so different.

Suddenly the light gets switched on behind me and the door closes with a soft thud.

He is here.

Why is he here?

It’s like I am suddenly waking up from sleepwalking.

I honestly can’t deal with any of this right now. I need to be by myself. I need to sleep and just be by myself. With him here my guilt will never shut up. With him here I will just feel worse and worse by the second.

I so want to just throw myself into his arms and let him take care of me. But I can’t. I simply can’t.

Isn’t that the reason why I ended up here in the first place? Me never standing on my own two feet, always just toddling after him…

I am on the verge of breaking down all over again. I need him to leave. I…

I turn around.

“What are you doing here?” Korn’s head snaps up at my words.

“What do you mean?” He asks while the worry on his face is getting more noticeable by the second.

The guilt and so many more emotions are running riot inside my body. I feel like I am suffocating. Why is he even here? Why is he not running for the hills?

“Why are you here?” My mouth asks before my brain has a chance to interfere. But it looks like I got lucky. He didn’t catch the real meaning behind my words.

“I am here because you asked me to.” Trust this wonderful moron to take everything I say literally.

But I can see an opening to finally get him out of here. He doesn’t deserve any of this. He should be at home sleeping, dreaming of the perfect fiancé who can make him happy. Something I apparently never managed to do.

I straighten my back a bit further and try to get my voice so far under control that I can at least appear to sound unconcerned.

“I did what? Are you crazy? I asked you to go with me to the hospital and nothing more. You can go now.” But even to my own ears my voice sounds so strange.

Korn’s face just shows utter confusion now. I can’t blame him. He might have gotten a whiplash for the way I just totally changed my direction.

“What is happening right now?” He asks but all I can do is laugh. This situation is so bizarre, I don’t have any word for any of this. I just need him to go. He can’t be around me. He just can’t…

“I am just asking you not so very politely to leave me the hell alone.” I try to smile but all I manage is a strange smirk. But it looks like I finally managed to get what I want. He is angry now. I can see that so clearly in his eyes, his stance and the way he is pulling his hands into fists.

“YOU called ME and begged me to come to help you. I just did you a favour and you are now turning this into a fight? Are you kidding me?” I try my hardest not to flinch at his words.

Yes, I know, I started this. But he would never leave me if I just ask him. He would always stay, being the noble man that he is. But I can’t have that anymore. I can’t use him in this way anymore. I have no right. And god knows I love him too much to drag him all the way down with me.

A sudden desperation is taking over my heart and I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I am really infected… If I am really sick… What if I infect him somehow… What if he refuses to leave me and he ends up having to care for me…

What if… What if..

So many what ifs and I can feel my head overflow from all the what ifs…

“JUST GO!” My voice is suddenly so loud, even I am surprised.

But he has to go. I am too dangerous for him. I will kill him if he stays here. I can’t be that selfish. I just can’t…

I can feel that my whole body is shaking now. I don’t know where to turn to anymore. I am petrified. But not for myself.

It’s for him… It’s always for him…

The tears are pricking again behind my eyes and I am just grinding my teeth as hard as I can in an attempt to hold them somehow back.

“It’s okay, Knock. I am going.” Korn says in such a gentle and soft voice that it almost breaks me.

He takes a couple of steps into my direction and even though I want to run, I somehow just stay still.

“I will be gone in a second.” He looks into my eyes and before I even have a chance to protest, he pulls me into his warm embrace.

I want to fight him so badly right now, but I just don’t have any energy left. So I am just laying my head onto his shoulder and breath in his heavenly sent. I just take this as a parting gift.

“I am going now. But don’t believe for one second I won’t be back. I am here for you, whether you want me or not.” His words don’t surprise me.

I know he would never let me alone in a situation like that. But I already made my own plans in my head. How is he suppose to come back if I just don’t open the door anymore. A sad smile is creeping onto my lips while I enjoy for the last time his embrace, before he let’s me go.

He doesn’t even look back at me when he walks over to the door and puts on his shoes. But I am so relieved right now. I can’t even begin to describe my gratitude.

“Thank you.” I whisper and somehow my tongue has again made a decision before my brain could catch up.

The door falls into its lock and suddenly I am all alone.

I am standing in the middle of my flat and I have absolutely no clue what to do now…

When before my thoughts and feelings were running riot inside of me there is now just an emptiness that really scares me. It’s almost like all my emotions and thoughts just walked out of the door with Korn and left me here as an empty shell.

I know that I shouldn’t have kicked him out like this. But I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Calling him was a big mistake. We agreed that we could hook up with other people, but part of that agreement was that we wouldn’t tell the other about it. And what did I do? Of course I broke the agreement. I mean, who does something like that? Calling his ex when a one night stand goes wrong.

I could have called anyone else. Cho, Farm, even Yiwah. They all would have been there for me the second I called. But no, I had to do the selfish thing all over again. I had to call Korn and break his heart in the process.

I was so upset about him cheating that somehow all I could see were all his mistakes.

Him hiding me, him not being honest, him and the whole jealousy issue.

But I totally overlooked that I am actually not that much better. I always relied on him to clear up my mess. It was just so comfortable and easy. But even I know that relationships shouldn’t work like that. I wanted a partner and not another mother. And I am sure Korn didn’t want to be in a relationship with such a child.

I laugh tiredly.

In one thing I was right though: We shouldn’t be a couple. We really, really shouldn’t.

I love him so much, still. He is the reason why I went on this bender in the first place. But having him in my life again felt so amazing and great that it scared me shitless. And when Fai then stated so clearly what I was so petrified off it just made matters worse. The last straw was seeing him with someone else.

I am not stupid. I know that it was totally innocent. But somehow it just ticked me off in a way that even surprised myself. Seeing him with that guy was somehow like seeing him with Pete all over again and I got so, so scared. I just couldn’t go through all this again and again. It’s like a vicious cycle we are stuck in and all I wanted to do was break this fucking cycle once and for all.

But what did I do instead? Got drunk, went to a dodgy bar and left with the first guy who showed interest. I just wanted this whole thing to end. That’s why it had to be another man. That’s why he had to be a top…

In a weird way I needed him to replace Korn in my heart, in my bed, in my life.

Even if it was just for a second. I know how crazy all this sounds. It was crazy and let’s face it. It totally didn’t work either.

Now I am standing here, all alone in my apartment.

My eyes are moving over to the medication on the kitchen counter and I know I have to take everything sooner rather then later.

I get myself a glass of water and take the medication with me into the bed room. I strip myself of all the dirty clothes and throw them directly into the hamper. I don’t want to see them or smell them and for a second I am even contemplating burning them. But that might just be a tat too dramatic.

I get myself some fresh and comfortable clothes out of the wardrobe and put them on. I sit down on the bed and take the pills out of their packaging.

There are three pills I have to take. Two blue ones and a tiny red one.

These three pills are suppose to stop any potential infection I might have contracted.

I regard them with the most curiosity. How can these three pills have such an impact on my life? I move them around in my palm, before I just swallow them with a big gulp of water.

And with all this done I am laying back in my bed and pull the cover all over me. I am just so exhausted. I… I just need some sleep… Just some sleep…

………

I get woken up by a noise in the living room and I can feel my heart start beating rapidly. Someone is here! But why? And more important: Who?

I take a quick look on my phone to check the time. Holy hell, it’s already four in the afternoon.

Quietly I slip out of my bed and walk barefoot over to the other room. I can’t see anyone, but once I go around the corner I can see Korn being all busy in the kitchen. What the hell?

“Can you please explain to me what you are doing here?” I ask him with some mild annoyance in my voice. “And how did you even get in here?” He startles slightly at my voice but turns around with a smile.

“I took Cho’s key. I didn’t want to wake you up.” He dries his hand on a towel and comes a few steps closer. “And I told you I would be back, didn’t I?” His voice sounds so sweet, it almost fries my brain circuits. And instead of a clever response I can just look around slightly confused.

“And what’s all this?” I finally manage to bring up while pointing at a fully packed sports bag.

“I am moving back in.” Korn states matter of fact and I can feel my jaw drop.

“You are what?” I am too shocked to even get angry right now. I just blink at him in confusion.

“I am moving back in!” He repeats calmly and I must be gaping at him like a fish on land.

“And why do you think you are welcome here?” I just ask with a slight stutter.

“Because you are going to need someone here with you.” He says seriously and without any hint of a hidden agenda. “This medication they have given you will make you potentially quiet sick. And there is nothing you can say or do to change my mind. So don’t even try it.”

I stare into his eyes for quiet some time and I know there is no use in arguing with this man. Not when he has decided something like that. It won’t matter what kind of a tantrum I am going to throw or how many fights I would start with him. He won’t budge. Not just a centimetre.

I sigh and somehow admit defeat for the time being. Korn is turning around and goes back to whatever he was doing in the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?” He asks in a by-the-way manner and I can actually feel my stomach grumble.

“I went shopping. The fridge is full and I brought some fried rice if you want to.” He turns around with a made up plate in his hand and smiles at me.

With a grumpy face I move over to the couch and signal him with a nod that I am indeed interested in having some of the rice. Just because I am letting him stay here for the second doesn’t mean I have to be overly nice, right. After all I just made up my mind, didn’t I. No repeat of everything that happened before.

I just can’t. This relationship has to be well and truly over. For both our sakes….

I am stuffing a fork full of rice into my mouth, while my thoughts are further running around in circles. Maybe if I just let him stay here for a day or two and show him that I am perfectly fine, he will just agree to leave me in peace…

Having him around is making my whole idea of getting my head straight just so much harder and…

I can suddenly feel my stomach protesting in a way I never felt. I hardly had three fork’s full of rice, but somehow it feels like I just swallowed rocks or something as my tummy just feels so hard and strange all of the sudden. The salvia that starts to collect in my mouth gives me the last hint I needed.

With a panicked face I jump up and run towards the bathroom. I just about make it to the toilet bowl before the tiny bit of rice I just ate is making it’s way up again. But somehow my stomach decides that this is not enough and so I am hanging over the bowl retching while my stomach is cramping trying to get the last bit of bile out of me.

I can feel tears filling my eyes like always when I have to vomit. My head feels so hot right now, it might as well be burning. The world is starting to spin around me….

But a pair of strong arms are holding me in place somehow. I can feel a cold cloth in my neck and Korn is pulling me slightly up.

“You’re done?” He asks with no sign of disgust in his voice. I can just nod.

He wipes my mouth with another cloth, before helping me up. He brings me back to the bedroom and helps me get into bed.

I slowly slip under the cover again, while he is holding a glass of water to my lips. I am taking a few careful gulps, before he takes the glass away again. He gently wipes away one stray water drop from my chin, before putting the cold cloth on my forehead.

“I did some reading about the medication. It can be pretty bad on the stomach, but in your case it might actually just be the stress and exhaustion. You have also not eaten anything since yesterday, am I right?” I just nod defenceless while staring at his black eyes.

“Don’t worry. I will sleep on the couch, but I leave the door open. So you can just yell at me if you need anything.” Korn states and for some reason I can feel how my exhaustion is taking over again.

“I will make you some soup now. Might be easier for your stomach to keep that in.” He gets up and all I can do is following him with my eyes before he just disappears from the room.

I can hear him potter around in the kitchen all over again and somehow it’s the only lullaby I need right now.