Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…
Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)
Word Count:
66103
Language:
English
Status:
Completed
Know You All Over Again: Chapter Twelve
I am turning around on the tiny couch trying to find somehow a way to be at least a tiny bit comfortable. But it doesn’t look like I am going to be in luck anytime soon.
With a groan I look at the clock on the wall and notice it’s 1:30am in the morning. Looks like I have been tossing and turning for over an hour now but sleep is just evading me. There are so many thoughts in my head, so many emotions in my heart. It feels overwhelming.
I knew the second Farm mentioned the side effects of the PEP medication that I just had to be there for him, no matter what. My way home to my sister was just filled with me googling the heck out of these pills and how to counter attack these side effects. I was on proper autopilot, just like always when it’s about him…
I knew that he wouldn’t be happy about me just barging in like this, but I just couldn’t help it. I need to be here right now. I need to be here for him. Whatever the cost. And by the looks of it one of the cost is absolutely my night sleep. Stupid couch…
I sit up and grab the tall glass of water in front of me. The liquid feels good running down my throat and I hope that the coolness of the water might also sooth another part of me.
It was heartbreaking seeing Knock hanging over the toilet bowl, retching until his eyes were all teary. At that moment I just tried to do what needed to be done. I cleaned him up and brought him back to bed. I tried to make him as comfortable as he could be and it didn’t take long for him to fall into a deep sleep all over again.
I cooked some chicken soup while he was sleeping. Always trying to be as quiet as I could humanly be while pottering around in the kitchen. But it seemed that Knock was out cold anyway and he slept through until I woke him again around 7pm. He must have been proper exhausted from all the stress of the last 24 hours….
He got up for dinner and we ate together. Knock was not very hungry but with some coaxing I managed to get at least one bowl of hot soup into him before he refused to take even one more bite. We didn’t talk much other then about him having to eat but even though the situation should have been awkward with me just barging into his life like this and him… well, going through everything he was just going through. But somehow the silence was just that… silent….
Knock was trying to argue with me how much more he had to eat for about fifteen minutes before I gave up. He was pouting like a three years old toddler and my heart, despite the circumstances, just couldn’t help it and feel all warm and giddy just looking at him. I am not sure if Knock noticed the tiny smile that was laying on my face but if he did, he didn’t say a word about it.
When it was time to take his medication I just gave him another glass of water and watched him swallowing the three tiny pills in one go. Somehow just seeing the pills brought reality crushing back around me. It’s funny how the last couple of months were nothing else but an endless roller-coaster ride for me.
Soon after dinner Knock felt sleepy again and I just brought him back to bed. Again he was bickering and complaining about me behaving like a nurse and that he was no patient whatsoever. But it was merely a weak attempt to get rid of me. Knock was absolutely shattered and I am not sure if it’s from the medication already or if it’s just the stress of the last few months as well.
The last few months….
If I think back just half a year… Our life was so different back then. We both had just graduated and finally started to work properly. I loved it so much. Finally getting some responsibilities and using all these things I learnt at uni. It was just so exciting and it totally swept me away on a wave of pure bliss.
The only shadow back then was Knock. I am not stupid. Even though he never told me that he didn’t want to work for the same company as me I knew that something was not quiet right. It was almost as if he refused to grow up, take on the responsibilities of an adult.
He continued to party hard, the same as he always did. He was playing computer games and cared less and less about anything else. Looking back I have to admit that I was way too busy with myself to even notice that he was unhappy…
I put my glass away and try to lie down again, but every muscle in my body is screaming at me. It doesn’t seem like I will be falling asleep anytime soon. I am taking out my phone and start scrolling though Facebook just to take my mind off of things. But for some reason I just end up in Knock’s photo gallery.
The first picture is of him and the rest of the gang at the beach. I know when the shot was taken, because I was the person who actually took it. It was way back, almost a year ago, when Yiwah forced us all to go on a short trip with her and Cho to Hua Hin to celebrate her birthday. And even though we all were a bit unsure about this Wellness and Spa resort, in the end we all had so much fun.
Just hanging around, drinking some cocktails at the beach and being together.
Knock obviously looked amazing in his swimming shorts, getting more tanned by the day. His skin was so warm and golden, just like honey. Something you wanted to kiss and lick all over…
Suddenly the memory of the second evening pops into my head. I don’t know why I am suddenly thinking about it, but it’s so vivid in front of my eyes it almost feels like I am there again.
Knock and me had such a lovely day together. We had slept in and started the day in the best way possible: with some long and gentle love making which pushed our breakfast to lunch. Afterwards we met up with the rest of the gang and just hung out at the pool. The party the night before had us all still slightly knackered (well, me and Knock were knackered because of other reasons…), so we decided to stay close to the resort.
While we were all lying on our loungers I noticed her first. A tiny brunette thing wearing a black bikini that left little to the imagination. She was there with a couple of other girls, all of them enjoying some cocktails while ogling all the guys poolside.
Our group of course caused some stir in their group. I am not vain, but I know I am good looking and Cho is not a bad looker either. Well and then there is Knock. Handsome, gorgeous, totally oblivious Knock. He was just putting some sunscreen on his sculptured chest when I heard some wolf-whistles from the girl group. Knock just turned slightly pink and rubbed the back of his neck, before looking away.
It didn’t look like Knock would really give them any time of day but I still could see the brunette one observing him closely. She was continuously whispering something to the girl next to her and their eyes hardly left Knock.
With every passing minute I could feel my jealousy rage more and more. How dare she look at my boyfriend like that? In moments like that I wished I could just man up and plant a big kiss on his mouth to show everyone that this gorgeous man was taken. But in the end I never had balls big enough.
So I was seething for the rest of the afternoon. I am still not sure if I was more upset about the girl or myself.
When I walked upstairs to just quickly change before we headed out for diner I tried to reason with myself. Knock was with me. Why would he be interested in a gorgeous, good looking girl? Why?
Because he is bi and he would have a chance to live a normal life! A life where he doesn’t have to come out to his parents and where he could have children and get married and…
He could have and be what I always wanted to be… Normal…
When that realisation hit me it almost ripped the feet from underneath me. But it was true. As much as I hated it, it was true. I would have loved to be straight. Things would have been so much easier for me. My life wouldn’t just be this huge lie. I could be honest with my family and I wouldn’t have to dread the questions about finally finding a girlfriend.
I so wished I was not gay…
But I was and there was nothing I could do about that. I had made my peace with that a long time ago.
But Knock…. Knock didn’t have to be that way. He had told me in the past that he just doesn’t think about gender. That it’s about the person for him and even though I should have felt flattered that he chose me out of a pool of double the chances I would have, it just petrified me.
Because suddenly I saw double the competition for me too. Not just other men, no, other women as well. And why would Knock choose to go the more difficult way of being with a guy when he could as easily just find a nice girl and live a happy and normal life…
My brain was running complete riot by the time I arrived back in the lobby where we all were suppose to meet. Knock didn’t have to change so he was already there. And when I finally saw him I felt my blood go cold. The tiny brunette was clinging to his arm, laughing and pushing her hair back. And Knock? He just laughed while sipping on his beer.
I wanted to murder them both…
It’s safe to say that the evening ended up in a massive shouting match between the two of us where Knock once more accused me of not trusting him. And even though I was not as stupid to admit it I sure as hell didn’t trust him. I mean, come on. He could have a normal life… Why choose the more difficult way? Why?
I was so sure that he would eventually wake up and realise just that, that I was most of our relationship just absolutely petrified…
Ironically it seems that the one thing that finally woke him up was me, not someone else…
I sigh lowly while flickering through more of Knock’s pictures. There are so many pictures of people I hardly know. All of them part of Knock’s party crew. There he was, slap bang in the middle of people, I had just a vague idea about their names. One of the pictures was tagged as “Ping’s birthday bash” and I can remember that evening quiet well.
Knock had bothered me for hours trying to get me to agree to join him. But I just couldn’t bother. These parties were always the same. They were loud, they were crowded and it was just not my scene.
“Oh, come one. Mister Grouchypants. Live a little.” Knock had laughed at my refusal. “I want to show off my gorgeous boyfriend. The others are starting to believe I made you up.”
And with that I was in full blown alarm mode.
“You told them about us?” I was starting to panic.
“Aehm, yes? Why? All of our friends know.” Knock’s face was just a big question mark.
“Yes, OUR friends know. But I don’t know these people. Who tells me we can trust them? What if one of them knows anyone of our families and starts blabbing?” My heartbeat was going way too quick.
“Can you please relax. These are my friends. They are cool with us. There is no need to worry.” He tried to calm me down but it just had the opposite effect. I just got more anxious by the second and more anxious meant in this case more angry.
“You don’t know that. It just needs one person for this whole thing to blow up.” I almost shouted at him.
“And? Would that be such a bad thing? If people knew?” Knock looked at me with his huge puppy dog eyes and looking back I should have known how much he hurt right in that moment. But back then all I could see was my own anxiety, my own insecurity.
And so we ended in another massive fight, with him leaving in the end. He went to the party and didn’t come back home until the day after…
With another sigh I get up and take my glass to the kitchen area to fill it up again. My sight falls onto Knock’s medication and a well known worry appears again in my stomach. I really hope that the side effects won’t be that bad.
I still could kill this asshole of a guy who did this to him. To be completely honest I could still kill Knock for doing this! Just thinking about him being underneath this other guy, making all these noises I know so well, letting him kiss him, touch him, feel him…. I clench my fist together and have to exhale loudly.
Just thinking about all this is making my blood boil. I was always so afraid of this happening, but somehow I was still not prepared for the pain and heartache. Every thought about Knock being in the arms of someone else brings the same share of anger and sadness. I know I don’t even have the right to these feelings anymore. We are not together anymore and we agreed that we could sleep with other people. But somehow this doesn’t make one tiny bit of a difference. It is still driving me insane deep down.
With a sudden chill I again remember that I had done the same to him. But the difference there is that we were still in a relationship when I slept with someone else. When I kissed, touched and caressed someone else, that was not Knock. And I did it in the exact moment when Knock came out to his parents.
I can’t even begin to imagine how scared he must have been sitting there, waiting for the right opening. But he still did it. He still went through with it. And why? Because he didn’t want us to fight about this anymore… Because he loved me…
I can feel the well known tears pricking again behind my eyes. I am such an asshole.
After everything Knock has done for me this is how I repaid him… I repaid his loyalty, his patience and his love with me fucking a guy on his couch… I sold my own happiness for a mindless mistake…
Somehow it still feels like it’s someone else who has done all these things to him. I don’t know when it shifted but these days I just want to make up for all the crap I put him through. For all my jealousy even though he never gave me any reason to doubt him. For my unwillingness to come out even though he chose me and gave up his whole “normal” life for me…
But I will make up for all this. I don’t need anything in return. I just want to repent in a way. Just so I can look myself in the eyes again… This is not the type of man I want to be.
I want to be the strong shoulder he can lean on if he needs it. I want to be his safe haven, his rock, his friend. Yes, I would love to be his lover again… But hey, some things are just not meant to be repaired I guess. No super glue can fix this broken dream. But I am fine with that. I really am…
A low voice coming from the bedroom is shaking me out of my musing. Knock.
I make my way quickly over to the bed, switching on the bedside lamp on the way. The sight in front of me scares me to the bones.
Knock is laying under the cover shivering like a leaf. He is sweating so badly his hair is plastered flatly across his forehead.
“Knock? Hey, what’s up?” I ask with a low voice while sitting gently down on the bed.
“I am so cold. I am freezing.” He brings up through shattering teeth.
Okay, it looks like the first fever has begun. One more time I am incredibly glad that I did some research earlier on. The fever is a natural reaction to the first couple of doses and will most likely be over by the morning. I just give him a tiny smile and wipe his hair out of his face.
“You are having a fever. No need to worry. Let me get a cold cloth and some fresh clothes and you will feel as good as new in a second.” Knock just looks up to me with his big eyes and nods slightly. With one last gentle stroke over his cheek I get up and leave for the bathroom to get everything I need.
A minute later I sit back next to him and help him get out of his completely soaked shirt. I lay him back down and first wipe his face gently with the cloth. He is still shivering but since he closes his eyes I hope that at least getting rid of all the sweat is feeling good. I continue with my work. Wiping down his neck, his beautiful chest and stomach. I am so lost in just the view and all I can think of is how absolutely beautiful he is. He is almost like a work of art. Just so perfect and gorgeous.
It doesn’t take too long until I have finished my task and help him into a new shirt. I change the blanket and the pillow on the bed as well as both used ones are totally soaked as well.
Once he is comfortable again I help him drink a few gulps of water. With all the sweating he is most likely dehydrated. I need to keep an eye on that… Once he finished drinking I take the glass away and put it on the bedside table.
I can’t help myself and just gently stroke over his cheek again. It’s still very warm, but it feels like the fever might have just gone down a tiny nudge.
“Thank you.” Knock suddenly opens his eyes and looks directly at me. I feel like my heart is stopping. It takes me a second to regain my composure.
“No worries. I am here for you. Whatever you need, just say the word.” My voice is low and gentle, almost as if I am afraid too much sound will break the spell of our ongoing staring contest.
“Can you stay with me?” He finally breaks the stare and his eyes are darting unsure around the room. But all I can do is chuckle lowly while continuing to caress his face.
“Of course.”
Your Heart's Content 