Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…
Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)
Word Count:
66103
Language:
English
Status:
Completed
Know You All Over Again: Chapter Fourteen
“But why did you THEN cheat on me? Why was I never good enough for you?”
His question is hanging in the air like a dark cloud. I don’t know what to answer, I don’t even know if I should answer at all. Knock is not well and is this really the right moment for such a conversation?
“Please? Tell me…” He pleads with me and the way he looks at me with his big, brown puppy dog eyes is just making my heart ache so badly. These two questions in itself have the potential to break mine and his heart all over again. And I so don’t want to put that on top of all the crappyness that is just happening to Knock. I just can’t.
I look at him silently and I hope he understands me without even uttering a word.
“I might never have enough courage again to ask you.” He whispers. “So please. Just give me an answer… Just help me to understand, what I did wrong.” There are tears shimmering in his eyes and I can feel a huge lump in my throat. When the first tear escapes my eyes, I just wipe them away with the back of my hand. I honestly don’t know what to say…
“Please…” He asks again and it feels like a spear through my heart.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, my love.” I say with a low voice while trying to get rid of all these pesky tears that are running down my cheeks.
“Then why did you do it? I need to know. I just need to.” He pleads again with me and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
“If you want me to ever forgive you, you need to tell me.” Knock’s voice is sounding so strange, almost far away while my thoughts are just going further and further down a very dark path. A path I rather not go down…
“Please…” He is almost begging now and I just can’t stand it anymore. My heart hurts, my thoughts are going 100 miles a minutes and I just… I just…
“Because deep down I think I wanted to fuck up.” I finally admit and I can see the shock on Knock’s face.
“You wanted to cheat?” His eyes are comical wide. But somehow I can’t laugh.
“No. I didn’t want to cheat. I just.. I think on a subconscious level I tried to sabotage our relationship.” I say with a tired voice.
“So why didn’t you just break up with me? Why hurt me like that?” Knock is getting more agitated and I can’t blame him. It sounds so awful what I did and I still have trouble getting my head around why I did it to begin with. But he wanted the answers. So all I can do it telling him the truth.
“I didn’t want to break up with you either. I love you.” My answer sounds weak even in my ears and the confusion on Knock’s face is almost breathtaking.
“You didn’t want to break up with me but you wanted to sabotage our relationship? I am really sorry, I might be a bit stupid, but how does this go together? I honestly don’t get it.” To my surprise it seems like the confusion has won over his anger. I risk a short glance over to his face and yes, all I can see is puzzlement.
“I never would break up with you. I never could leave you, Knock. I love you way too much for any of that. But…” I break up. I really can’t say it out loud. I just can’t.
“But what?” Two soft hands are taking my hands into his and are drawing gently patterns on my skin. I look up and all I can see in his face is worry and confusion. And deep down, very well hidden, almost not there, I also see love. I sigh and close my eyes.
“But in a way I wished I didn’t love you. In a way I wished I would be alone for the rest of my life. Because then I never would have to tell my parents that I am gay. I could just hide it forever, not hurting anyone…” The tears are again coming hard and fast, but this time it’s someone else’s hand wiping them away for me.
“You really can’t be serious, Korn.” He says but his voice is not angry, it’s just full of compassion and love. Almost like he is talking to a scared child. But maybe I am just that… Scared…
“You would seriously rather be alone for the rest of your life then admit to your parents that you are in love with me?” He pulls my chin up and now I am forced to look at him.
“It sounds so stupid when you put it like that. But in a nutshell, yes… I was just so scared for their reaction. I didn’t want to disappoint them. I want them to be proud of their only son. I mean, look at Kavitra. She is already a professor, she is doing so amazingly well. And what am I? Just a mediocre engineer. I have nothing special to show for.” He just shakes his head.
“You really are stupid, you know that. You are such an amazing man. Your parents have to be crazy not to be proud of you. You always had great grades at uni and now you are really good at your job. And you were in a proper long therm relationship. That’s more then Kavitra can say.” He adds with a chuckle and without any delay I can feel a tiny smile creeping onto my face.
“You know, the reason why I was always so jealous. That’s also down to this.” I stop and again catch a little side glance at him.
“I mean, I was too much of a coward to come out to my family and the rest of the world. How could I be good enough for you to stay with me? You deserve so much better then me. And I was just so petrified that you will notice that one day and just leave…” His hand on my cheek is again gently wiping away some of the last remainders of my tears. I don’t dare to even look up.
“You are a very stupid man, Korn. Very stupid. How come that people always assume, you are the clever one.” He laughs lowly while he gets up and sits down next to me on the couch.
With a soft pull he moves me into his arms and I can do nothing else then bury my still crying face into his shoulder. His arms are around my shoulders and he is gently caressing my back. His breath is hot against my skin. It feels like home. I take a deep breath in and I can almost taste him on my tongue.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me about that?” He asks with a curious voice.
“Because I didn’t know myself. But since everything went down with Pete, I just did some serious thinking and I think I never gave us a fair chance. Not once in all these years and I feel awful about that. I honestly do. But I just couldn’t fully accept that I am gay. Like not completely.” My head is laying on his shoulder and I can feel the warmth of his body seeping through to me.
“Would you have done anything differently if you would have known earlier that that’s what’s going on?” Knock is just continuing to caress my back and I can’t help but chuckle given his question.
“Of course. I wouldn’t have cheated on you to begin with.” I am getting serious again. “But back then everything was just on the brink of falling apart. I didn’t feel like I had a choice anymore. I either had to come out or separate. And it didn’t feel like I could to either. So I took the next best option. I just made huge mess out of everything.” My voice is now nothing else but a bare whisper, but his never slowing hands on my back are telling me that he heard.
“You know, Knock? I never wanted to hurt you. I never ever wanted that. I love you so much and you are honestly the best thing that ever happened in my life. But I felt like I had to make a decision between you and my family. And I felt like you were going to wake up one day anyway and leave me. And what then? I would just be all alone. No family, no you…” The tears are flowing all over again and I know I am clinging to him like a drowning man to a life boat.
“You really don’t trust me, do you?” He asks with a sad voice.
“It’s not that. Not at all. I trust you. But how can you love a coward like me? How? I just don’t get it. You could have anybody in this whole world. Why pick me? You could have a normal life with a wife and kids… Why go the more difficult way if it’s not necessary?” I can hear a low chuckle coming from his lips.
“Because I never had a choice, you dummy. Once I fell for you, this choice was gone. And if you believe it or not, that’s totally fine. I don’t need a wife and a perfect family. I have you.” He just shrugs and I feel so silly suddenly. Why did I never contemplate that? Maybe love was enough after all?
“We really are two stupid idiots, aren’t we? We could have avoided all this if we just would have talked to each other properly. Our communication is honestly atrocious.” He now really laughs. It’s a deep belly laugh and I can’t help but grin myself. He is right. We are idiots.
A thought suddenly starts nagging me. Something that he just said makes my heart start beating faster. With a little pressure I push us so far apart that we are finally looking at each other’s faces.
“You have me? Like in the present? Not in the past?” A tiny glimmer of hope is shining in my eyes and I know it’s showing. His laugh stops abruptly and he just looks at me with a tiny smile.
“You know I never stopped loving you. So of course I still “have” you. I still have you in my heart.” I have to close my eyes while I am hearing these sweet words. It feels like I haven’t heard them in centuries. But it doesn’t matter. I have heard them before and it still didn’t mean that he wanted me back.
“So what do I need to do to get “us” back? Knock, I just can’t live without you. I can’t. I need you in my life like the air I breath. I am so miserable without you. I know that I fucked up, but there must be something I can do to change your mind. There just has to…” I know that I am begging right now. I don’t care. I would take whatever public humiliation he could think of if it just means I get my babe back. But the sudden tears in his eyes shock me to the core.
“How can you still want me back right now? After everything that is happening right now. For all we know I might be HIV positive. Why would you still want me back?” He asks me with so much pain in his eyes it takes my breath away. But funnily enough I know the answer.
“Because I love you.” I just shrug and take his hands in mine. “It’s not like I have a choice. It’s the same when I asked myself why you would be with a man when you could so easily fall in love with a woman. Yes, it would maybe be easier, but it’s just not an option. I love you. It’s that easy really.” Now it’s my turn to wipe away a tear from his cheek.
“If you got infected, then we will get through this. We will find a solution to keep you as healthy as possible and we will make it work. I don’t care about that. I care about you.” I give him a tiny smile but his eyes are still so wide and almost panicky.
“How can you say something so stupid?” He says in between his tears. “I fucked someone else and I might have a deadly disease. Why would you do something like this to yourself?”
“First of all you hooked up with someone when you were a free agent. You were single and even though I am obviously not thrilled by the incident, I am not angry or mad at you. I am furious at this fucking wanker who did this to you. But you? You did nothing wrong, babe.” I pull him into my arms.
“I love you so much and I would never ever leave you. Not for anything in the world. If you got infected, it doesn’t change a thing between us. Not at all.” I hope that my voice is conveying how serious I am, because I mean every word. I love him so much and knowing now how it feels not having him in my life, it honestly petrifies me so much. I just want us back together.
“I love you too.” The tiny voice coming from my chest is startling me and my heart is doing another somersault. I love hearing these words.
“Then let’s be together again. Let’s just learn from our past mistakes and start all over again.” I know I am begging. But I don’t care. I just want him back.
His silence is scaring me slightly and again I push us apart. I need to see his eyes. I need to see their expression. I need to see if there is still some hope, something worth fighting for.
“Please…” I say one last time while looking into his eyes. “Please take me back.” The seconds seem to morph into hours while I am holding my breath, just staring at him.
“Okay.” he answers with a tiny lip bite and the relief that washes over me is breathtaking.
I pull him into my arms again, before I whisper: “Are you sure?”
“No.” He laughs lowly. “I am not sure whatsoever. But I am too tired to keep on fighting with you.” Now I also chuckle.
“It’s fine by me. As long as you are taking me back… Whatever the cause. I am just grateful… I promise you, you won’t regret giving me another chance.”
I am taking his face into my hands and just want to kiss him, when he moves his head to the side, pushing his lips hard into each other.
“What?” I ask in confusion.
“We can’t do any of this. Like not at all.” He is absolutely serious.
“Why?” My questions are as stupid as I feel right now. I just want to kiss my boyfriend. Where is the issue?
“We can be together, but I won’t allow any physical contact unless I get the all clear from the clinic. Can you promise me that?” His lips are again pressed firmly together and I can see in his eyes that he means it. I just gently cup his chin and press a soft, fleeting kiss on his lips.
“You can’t infect me with anything with just a kiss, my love.” I whisper against his lips and I can see him rolling his eyes.
“I know that. I am not stupid. But I know you as well. As if you could ever just leave it with a kiss.” And suddenly I can’t help but laugh. Yes, he knows me very well.
“If I promise you to be a very good boy for you and do nothing else then kissing, are you then okay with it?” He looks at me with a sceptical face.
“Just kissing?” He closes on eye and seems to measure me with the other one.
“Just kissing.” I nod.
“Well…” But before he can finish his sentence my lips are on his. He still tastes the same. Just this unique taste that is him. His lips are still so warm and soft it takes my breath away. I can feel him actually reciprocating and I can’t help myself but smile into our kiss.
“Idiot.” Knock mutters into our kiss and I take the chance to slip my tongue into his mouth. His arms are sneaking around my waist while I am just pulling his chest closer to me. My hands are loosing themselves in his hair. It’s still so soft and silky like always. I can smell his shampoo and it makes me go all giddy. I am really kissing Knock again.
I am really, really kissing him again. And not just like a friends with benefits thing. No, I kiss him as my boyfriend. As my partner. As my lover.
The happiness inside me is threatening to overflow and all I can do is loosing myself even further into our kiss.
Your Heart's Content 