Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…
Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)
Word Count:
66103
Language:
English
Status:
Complete
Know You All Over Again: Chapter Twentyone
I am not sure if I ever felt this way. It’s like having an outer body experience. It’s like I am floating above everything and the only thing keeping me anchored to the ground is his hand. He slightly cold and sweaty hand.
He is nervous. Maybe even more then me. I am not sure but I can read his face like a book. I can see the sheer terror in his face and once more I am ashamed of what I did.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way and Korn has said more then once that the only person to blame in all this, is Mick. But somehow it doesn’t make much difference to me. I was stupid to get drunk, I was stupid to go with him to the hotel and I was stupid when I agree to sleep with him.
It doesn’t matter if we were separated or not. Because in my heart we never were apart. I never stopped loving him and therefore for me it still feels like I cheated. Again I know that’s not the case but in the deepest corner of my heart that’s how I feel. I can’t deny it and I can’t pretend for things to be different. It just is what it is.
I am still just watching everything that is happening around me like I would watch a movie. I can see Dr. Good doing some reading through his paperwork before turning to his computer doing some clicks here and there.
I can feel Korn’s hand gripping mine even more tightly but I don’t hear a single word that is said. I am just staring at the doctor’s lips waiting for the final sentence to be given to me.
In a way I feel I deserve it to be positive. So many other people don’t get a second chance either. Why should I be better then them? No one deserves this illness. Not even Mick.
Like a flash I can see Korn’s face again in front of me. The pain in his eyes when I said he should leave me if the test comes back as positive.
But there was no hesitation whatsoever.
Not for a single second.
He want to be with me. He really does and maybe, just maybe I should finally accept that. After everything we have been through together. After everything he has done for me.
Maybe the issue is not just his. Maybe I need to have a closer look at myself as well. Maybe I need to have a look at my own self esteem.
He loves me..
And that in itself should be enough for me to trust him and to really and honestly start all over again…
And suddenly I am not that afraid of this result anymore.
Because I won’t have to face it alone.
Whatever the outcome, Korn will be with me and will walk through hell and back just to make sure I am as well looked after as I could possibly be. He will be there to love me and to take care of me. He will stay with me until the end. Whenever and however that will come across…
And with this thought a warm rush of affection and calm is flowing all over my body making me feel like I am in one of his warm embraces.
I look up and I find his eyes. He is still nervous, petrified maybe. But he is not scared about what the test result will mean for him. He is just worried for me, he is petrified something could happen to me.
And after he has spent almost a whole month of wiping away my vomit and making sure I was okay, I don’t think, anyone would have blamed him for being worried about what a possible positive would mean to him. But there is just worry for me and nothing else in his eyes. And just like that a small smile is creeping on my face.
It doesn’t matter… It doesn’t matter what this doctor is going to tell me.
My life will still going to be awesome and amazing and that’s just down to this impossible man sitting next to me.
I press his hand lightly which makes him look up. Our eyes meet and for a second he is confused to find a smile on my lips. But it doesn’t take long for his frown to turn into a smile matching mine.
We will be okay.
Whatever happens…
We will be okay…
“We already cleared you of any STDs and let me have a look for your HIV test. Oh, yes. That looks also very good.” Good finally looks up and his smile is telling me already everything I need to know. “Congratulations, you are negative.”
The rush of relief flooding through me body is almost taking my breath away. I can physically feel how all the pent up tension leaves my body and my back slouches over like an old bag of potatoes. I can hear that Korn and the good doctor are still talking about something but I would lie if I said I have a clue what they are saying.
Right now I am just floating. Floating of a wave of happiness.
My new start can finally come.
It’s almost funny how this one experience changed so much in my life but somehow didn’t change anything at all. Maybe I should say it made things better… improved things… What a crazy thing to say… And HIV test changed my life… To the better…
When Korn finally stands up I again come to my senses and get up as well. We both thank the doctor and then just leave the doctor’s room that suddenly doesn’t feel that intimidating anymore.
Outside of the clinic I am not even completely through the front door when Korn pulls me into a bear hug. His arms are so tight around my waist, it almost hurts. His face is buried in my neck and before I even have the chance to react I can feel him sobbing into my shirt. It’s not a tiny whimper. It’s more of a howl, something so raw and rough it gives me goosebumps all over.
“Hey? What’s wrong?” I asked with an anxious voice, while just gently caressing his back. But I am not getting an answer.
Since we are still standing right in front of the clinic, I am just carefully trying to get us out of the way. It takes a couple of minutes and some awkward shuffling before I manage to get us over to a bench that is standing at the side of the building. I am sure we are not the first couple sitting on here crying. But somehow I am sure that they had bad news unlike me. So I really don’t get the tears right now.
“Babe? Talk to me.” I try again and for some reason he finally seems to calm down.
The sobs are becoming less and less until they are finally totally silenced. I push him away for a couple of centimetres to look into his face, but his eyes are closed. There are still tears running down his pale cheeks but they are just quiet. In a way they are almost more painful then the sobs from before.
“Korn? What’s wrong? Tell me.” I urge him and as an answer I get a very deep intake of breath.
“I thought I would loose you all over again. I was so scared that you might have gotten this awful disease because of what this disgusting man did to you. I was petrified, Knock. I just can’t loose you. I just…” A fresh batch of tears are falling and I just wipe them gently away with a tiny smile on my face.
“But I am fine. I am here and that’s where I am going to stay. You don’t have to worry anymore. I am okay.” I gently caress his cheek. “We are okay.” I add in a lower voice.
“We got a second chance. Not just me but us. And I am not sure why but this prospect of a new beginning is just so exciting and exhilarating for me. So there is no need to cry, you adorable numpty. There are just reasons to celebrate.”
I pull his face close to me and when our lips meet in a faint kiss I can feel him releasing all the tension he has been holding for so long.
And suddenly another thought flashes brightly through my mind. Yes, we are sitting outside, right in the middle of Silom and we are kissing.
And it feels glorious.
This new start…. I honestly can’t wait…
A new start, a clean slate.
No more lies, no more hiding.
Just us being together, just us fighting against the whole world together.
I am ecstatic about the all prospects that are in our future.
And while we are sitting on this bench, right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of Silom, holding each other close, being sad for the past and being happy for the future, I suddenly see the sky. It’s bright blue without even one cloud on the horizon.
Yes, the sky is blue and the whole world is right in front of us.
I am sure I never felt happier…
Epilogue:
“I am honestly not sure if I like your surprises.” Knock whispers into my ear while looking over all the faces that are sitting at a big table in a corner of the restaurant I just brought Knock to as a form of surprise. I just chuckle lowly. I know he will like this surprise.
After everything we had been through recently I just felt we needed a day to celebrate with everyone that is important to us. With the gang, with our parents. Just everybody coming together.
Of course I didn’t tell our families about the test results or that any test was ever made. I just told them that I wanted to do something nice for Knock since we are back together again. Luckily enough they didn’t question it whatsoever.
And so I kidnapped my beloved all over again. Just like I did after we got back together and met our families. But this time everyone is here. Well, almost. The seat next to my mother is empty, but what did I expect.
“I really will never trust any invitation of yours ever again.” Knock says in a way that tells me that he is not mad at all.
Well and the huge happy grin on his face is also giving him away. Knock is such a social creature. He is always most happy when being with the people he loves.
We sit down and it doesn’t take long before everyone is engrossed in a conversation. Yiwah is trying to lecture our mums about the right lip colour for this season but surprisingly enough both our mums have their own opinions. And it doesn’t take long for this friendly conversation about make up to transform into a full blown religious war over which brand has the best colours.
Knock’s dad is just sitting next to the bickering women, enjoying his steak quietly. The big grin on his face gives him away nevertheless. He is more then entertained by the three ladies next to him, but he has been a husband for too long to be so stupid as to get involved in this war of opinions.
Cho, Bright and Fai are discussion some football scores from yesterday and while Farm seems to be almost hypnotised by the older man next to him. Phubet and Kavitra on the other hand are just bickering like always. As always no one knows what it is about this time, but the tiny smile on my sister’s face tells me how happy she is
Everything is perfect.
See, when I finally accepted that I was gay I knew I never would have a family. I would never have a normal wedding and no children. In my darkest hours I was even convinced that I would loose the family that I had. I was pretty much convinced that I would end up all alone.
And I won’t lie. It scared me more then anything else. That was the reason why it took me so long to finally be honest. Honest with the people around me, honest with the people I love.
It took me so long that it almost cost me the most precious thing in my life: Knock.
It really took me a long time to understand that the only way I could ever be lonely in my life would be if he isn’t in it anymore. As long as I have him by my side there is no chance in hell I ever will feel lonely or alone…
And that’s why I need to do this.
With a shaking hand I clink my knife against my glass to signal to everyone that I want to say something. The ping is floating so loudly through the room that the sudden silence that follows almost gives me almost a heart attack.
If I wasn’t nervous a second ago Knock’s questioning look is totally doing it.
“Yeah…. Hi… I…” I start to mumble, but this won’t do.
I have to do it properly. For once in my life I need to do it properly. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath in. When I open my eyes again I am met by Knock’s beautiful puppy dog eyes and suddenly all nerves are gone. With a smile I take his hand.
“Okay, let’s start again.” I laugh lowly while all eyes are on me.
“There is actually a reason why I asked all of you here today. See, I did something a couple of years ago, but somehow I didn’t get it right that time around. But since these days we are all about new beginnings I thought I need to do this all over again as well. But properly this time, just the way I should have done it all this time ago already. So thank you for waiting.” I smile a bit of a crocked grin while Knock still looks at me with a confused face.
“Babe, you don’t make any sense right now.” He smiles and knots his eyebrows in confusion. A whole army of butterflies are doing training laps in my stomach.
“Knock, you are the most important person in my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. First as my friend and then as my boyfriend. Almost loosing you made me realise that I have to step up my game if I want to give you everything that you deserve. Because you honestly deserve the best of the best. I could go on forever how amazing you are, but I don’t want to bore the rest of the people here.”
A short laugh is waving over from our families and friends.
But all I can see and hear is him. His brown eyes, his cute button nose and the gorgeous smile.
He is mine, forever and ever…
“Knock? Will you marry me?” Yiwah and our mums are gasping so loud that Knock just leaves my gaze for a second to look over to the clover of women.
“I know I asked you that already in the past. But back then I asked for the wrong reasons. This time is different. This time I truly and honestly mean it. That’s why I wanted to ask you in front of everyone that we both care about.” His eyes are back on me and the smile on his face is making my heart flutter.
“I…” But before Knock could give me an answer he is interrupted by another voice.
“I hope this includes me as well.” All eyes are now on the man in the doorway leading to our table.
“Dad?” I stutter and for a second I feel helpless. But with just one gentle squeeze of my hand, Knock is wiping any tiny bits of doubts away. I straighten up and look directly in his face.
“Dad. I am so happy that you made it in time. There is a chair next to mum. Please sit down. I was kind of right in the middle of something.”
With these words the table starts laughing again and to my own surprise my dad just makes his way over to mum and sits down without any discussion. With his signature stern face he just looks on, but I know he is okay with everything.
“Can I maybe give you my answer now?” Knock’s voice is pulling me back to the here and now and all I can do is smile sheepishly at him.
“Sorry.” I answer with a tiny voice and finally meet his serious eyes.
“You mentioned how long we know each other. And that’s good, because everyone should know just from that how good I know you. Good enough to know that sometimes you are so thick you have to ask the same thing over and over again, even though the answer will always be the same.” His face slowly turns into the sweetest smile I have ever seen
“Of course I will marry you, you dofus.” He laughs and pulls me into a kiss.
Yes, my parents and his parents are here and watching us, but I honestly couldn’t care less.
Knock said he wanted a new start. So here I am giving him what he wants.
The last time I proposed I was scared and just tried to use it to pacify him. But this time I want to make a statement. I want the world to know that this beautiful man is mine. That we belong together and that we will always stay together.
When we finally break apart we are already crowded by both our families and our friends. Everyone wants to get in there and give the newly(ish) engaged couple a hug and a cuddle. I can see tears in my mum’s eyes when she pulls me close and her voice is just full of warmth and love when she congratulates me on my gorgeous fiancé. Just seeing her so happy is telling me that it was not just important for Knock and myself to do this all over again. It was also important for our parents.
“Congratulations.” My dad just holds out his hand and I take it in a grateful manner.
We never had the close relationship Knock has with his father who is currently hugging him enthusiastically to the point of almost choking. So when my father pulls me into a hug as well I am totally stunned.
“I am proud of you, son.” He says before releasing me again and coughing awkwardly into his hand. But all I can do is beam.
“Thank you, dad.” We will never have many words for each other. But that’s okay. As long as I know he respects me I am absolutely content.
It takes a while for the whole excitement to die down. When before Yiwah and the mums discussed make up they are now discussion possible wedding locations. I am pretty sure that Knock and me won’t even be asked. These three ladies could single handedly run the world. I am pretty sure about that.
Knock on the other hand is having another conversation with his dad. They are joking around and just seeing the happiness in Knock’s face is telling me that I did the right thing.
I was always so afraid I would end up alone.
Funny how things can end up totally the opposite.
Because here I am right now. In the middle of this big family, with all my friends, my parents and the love of my life.
I didn’t have to choose one side. I didn’t have to make any sacrifices.
I just had to man up and be honest.
Funny how things can turn out.
Sometimes a second chance is all that is needed.
Sometimes you just have to get to know someone all over again.
Your Heart's Content 