Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…
Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)
Word Count:
66103
Language:
English
Status:
Completed
Know You All Over Again: Chapter Seven
“Korn? Korn! Is that you?” My voice is shaking so bad right now. But it fits with the rest of my body. “I know, I shouldn’t call you. But I just don’t know what to do, who else to call… I just…” I can’t keep the sob down my throat and it escapes in a weird hiccup sound before I desperately try to wipe away the tears that are running down my face.
“I need your help. I did something incredible stupid…”
………………………….
The silence on our table is deafening. Farm, Fai and Cho just stare at me with a questioning look on their faces. I know they are dying to get some answers, but I am not sure if I am willing to give them any.
I know they will judge me. They will say that I am stupid to let him back into my life and that things will turn into this massive disaster all over again.
I know all that, because there is still this tiny voice in my head that constantly is saying the same thing. It’s constantly warning me: Knock, don’t fall again. Be strong!
But in a way I am so long gone. I have fallen all over for him…
“So, care to tell us anything?” Fai’s voice is loud enough to get me back to the here and now.
“What do you wanna know?” I am trying to be evasive and I know that this is just buying me a few more minutes tops, before the grilling will begin. However I have to admit that I rather face these three, then have a one to one with Yiwah. My thoughts are going out to Korn, who most likely by now has gotten the ear full of his life.
Korn…
My heart is beating faster…
“Maybe explain what the hell is happening here. Have you honestly taken the cheating bastard back?” Fai’s eyes are as big as saucers right now and if her tone of voice wouldn’t be almost threatening I really would have to chuckle given her face.
“No, I have not!” Is my stern answer before I put another bite of bagel into my mouth.
“So what was all this then? All the flirting… You two inviting us together…” Fai is still not letting go. “If this doesn’t smell of reconciliation I don’t know what does.”
I am chewing extra slowly on my bagel, not knowing what to say really. But before I even have to think of a clever answer, the voice of an angel appears.
“It’s enough, Fai. If he wants to tell us more, he will.” Cho is as always the voice of reason and I am sure I couldn’t love him more right now. I am swallowing the bready mass in my mouth and nod enthusiastically at the words of my friend.
“Oh come on, Cho. As if you are not dying to know what the heck is going on.” Even the not so innocent little rabbit is now piping up. Traitor. I truly expected more of him.
“Well… Of course…” My head shoots to the side and I give Cho a glare. “But I respect his privacy.” He gives me an encouraging nod and all I can do is sigh heavily.
These are my best friends. We have been through so much together and I guess they have a right to know what is going on. Defeated I put my bagel down.
“Okay. What do you wanna know?” I look each of them into their face before laying my head to the side waiting for the avalanche of questions that surely will come. But somehow everything stays quiet.
“Well? I thought you wanted to know what’s going on? So ask me then.” I look at Fai and give her a nod that tells her that she has green light in interrogating me and apparently that’s all she needed. The questions are flying out of her mouth like bullets out of a machine gun.
“Are you back together?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. We are just friends.” I chuckle.
“So you are hanging around together?”
“Yes.”
“Going out together?”
“Yes.”
“Cook together?”
“Yes.”
“Sleep together?”
“Yes.”
Shit….
“Aha! I knew it. You are back together.” Fai is looking triumphantly at me, but I can just shake my head while blushing like an idiot. Stupid Fai and her way of always making me admit more then I want to.
“We are not, Fai. We are just friends again.” I am suddenly very interested in my bagel again.
“Friends who hang out with each other, cook together and sleep with each other. That’s a relationship in my book, Knock!” I am hiding behind my glass while taking a deep sip of water.
I know she is right. I know what Korn and me have is so far down the relationship lane as you can get. But I can’t be that anymore. I can’t be his boyfriend. It just hurts too much. He doesn’t trust me, he doesn’t trust our relationship. How can I go back to that? I am just not strong enough for the pain that would follow.
“Since you are such an expert in relationships, where is your current boyfriend?” Farm pipes up from the side and I would really like to kiss him right now. But instead I am busying myself with just another big bite of my bagel. And now even Cho is getting involved.
“Fai, don’t be so judgemental. If these two say, they are not in a relationship, then they are not. Who are we to judge?”
Oh, Cho. How much I love him. But even I know that every word he says is total bullshit. I can feel a strange sense of panic bubbling in my stomach. Relationship… Just one word, but somehow it scares the living daylight out of me.
“How can you guys be so naïve? These two are fucking each other again and it will all just end in this huge big mess all over again. And then we will need to take care of the mess these two create…”
“Fai!” Cho and Farm both interrupt our friend’s rant, and for a moment Fai looks lost. However it just takes her one look into my face to see that she has hit a spot that is so painful I can hardly breath anymore.
I stand up with shaky legs and apologise myself to the bathroom. Looks like that’s one of my favourite past times these days. Fleeing to the bathroom like a crying child.
But Fai’s words have hit home, I won’t lie.
She is right. I know that the disaster is just waiting around the corner. I will get hurt all over again. He will break my heart again and I am not sure if I can survive that.
The last few weeks were so wonderful. I felt like I was finally able to breath again. Just sharing my time and my space with Korn was amazing. It calmed me down, it excited me like nothing else.
He is and always will be the love of my life but what can you do if this love is the one that is slowly killing you? I have heard junkies describe their relationship with heroine in a similar way I would describe my relationship with Korn. Isn’t that so fucked up?
Yes, Fai is right. I should never have let him back into my life like that. Having sex with him especially. But having him close again is just so intoxicating. He is such a wonderful man and sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants.
Why can’t my brain win for a change? Why do I always go into full blown autopilot mode when it comes to Korn? Why?
“Because you love him…” something whispers in my heart.
“Hey, are you okay?” Cho’s voice startles me.
“Yes, yes. I, aehm, just needed to wash my hands.” I am trying to wipe away any traces of tears that might possibly expose me as the biggest liar ever.
“Knock.” Cho is laying his hand on my shoulder and suddenly everything just feels so hard. Just an hour ago I was so happy. But all it took was Fai’s words to understand that I was just living in Lalaland for the last couple of weeks. It was not real. Nothing of this was real.
“Don’t mind Fai. You know her. Her mouth always works faster then her brain. She didn’t mean it.” My head snaps up and I look into Cho’s face.
“Didn’t she? She sounded pretty convincing to me.” I chuckle bitterly. “And who can blame her? She is totally right. I mean, what the hell am I thinking? This will just end in another disaster. Just like all the times before. I am so stupid, Cho. I really never learn.” I am trying to turn away to hide the pain on my face, but Cho keeps me still.
“You don’t know that, Knock. No one knows what is going to happen in the future. You don’t and especially Fai doesn’t!” I look at him trying to find any lies in his eyes. But there is just honesty.
“So you don’t think me and Korn being friends again will explode in a catastrophic event?” Now Cho is chuckling lowly.
“I didn’t say that either.” I roll my eyes at him and try to pass him to leave the bathroom. But he is not letting go of my arm.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen with you two. All I know is that both of you were miserable without the other and you seem better now. Maybe the sex part is not the brightest idea, but hey, who am I to judge. Maybe you two can separate love from sex. I couldn’t, but that’s just me. I am not going to judge.”
Separate love from sex?
“I can’t separate it either….” I admit lowly.
“Then maybe sleeping with him is not the best idea if you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Or do you want to be again? I mean be in a relationship?” I just shake my head vigorously.
“No. I.. I just can’t. I mean, I still love him. There is no doubt about that. But I am so scared of him hurting me again. I just can’t be in a relationship with him anymore.”
“Then don’t be in a relationship with him anymore. Be his friend if you want that. But then you need to make sure that the lines between relationship and friendship don’t blur. I mean, I am your friend and you wouldn’t sleep with me, am I right?” I can’t help myself but laugh.
“Oh Cho, is that an offer?” I wiggle my eyebrows and bite my lips in a seductive manner, but I just get a slap on my shoulder as an answer.
“Okay, okay.” I laugh. “But yes, you are right. I really need to keep things friendly between us. It’s just so hard when there is so much history between us.” I sigh.
“Of course there is. I am not saying that it will be easy. Because it won’t be. But if you want to keep him in your life as a friend, I can’t see any other way around it.” I just look at the smaller man in front of me and I really know deep in my heart that he is right.
I need to finally separate these things in my head and in my heart if I really want to have a normal life again. As good as it feels being with him… In the long run it will just make everything more complicated and messed up.
We both make our way back to the table and before we arrive I can see Farm and Fai having a heated discussion. As soon as we are in earshot their voices drop and they both look at me with the fakest smile ever.
“Did you have fun analysing my love life?” I look at the two of them, but only Farm has the decency to look at least a bit embarrassed.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. We were just discussing our plans for the evening.” I chuckle. Fai really can lie without turning red.
We sit down and somehow manage to finish our brunch in some kind of peace. We are talking about work, about old friends from university and our families. We talk about everything, but the one thing I know Fai is dying to discuss. I am sure I owe Farm for that. I promise myself to buy him a nice drink at the next opportunity.
The waiter is finally taking the empty plates off our table when Yiwah and Korn finally arrive back. They are both just sitting down like nothing happened and it doesn’t take a second before Yiwah is totally engrossed again in a conversation about an old lecturer of ours.
I am stealing a quick glance over to Korn and somehow… Did he cry?
He just sits opposite me, being quiet and just observing the conversation. He looks so withdrawn, it almost scares me. But then he suddenly looks up. Our eyes meet and my heart is fully ablaze in a second.
No, this has to stop now. This can’t go on for any longer…
…………….
I have no clue why I actually agreed to this. For some weird reason all of our friends thought it would be an amazing idea to go clubbing tonight. It was already decided before we left the restaurant after brunch.
Normally I am not the person to say no to clubbing. But today I would really rather be at home and alone with my thoughts. I am still so confused and I… I just don’t know what to do.
It’s ten when I finally arrive at the venue and it just takes me a second to find Fai and Farm sitting in one of the booth next to the bar.
“Oh, look who finally shows up. Our FRIEND Knock.” The way Fai is saying the word friend is screaming disapproval. I know she is not happy with me right now, but before I can even say something, Farm is again jumping to my defence.
“Fai! Leave him be!” My little rabbit is pushing a glass with a clear fluid into Fai’s hand. “Here! Drink instead. Maybe you are nicer, once you are drunk.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it.” I mutter under my breath just to get hit in the side by Fai.
“Ey, asshole. I heard that.” And with that exchange of insults we are both just grinning at each other. Things are all okay again between us. But a slight weird feeling stays in my chest and it doesn’t matter what I do, I just can’t seem to shake it.
“Hey, everyone is here already.” Yiwah’s voice is making me look up. Her and Cho are standing in front of our booth and are just trying to squeeze in next to the three of us.
“Well, Korn is still MIA.” Fai adds, but Yiwah just shakes her head.
“Nah, he actually came with us. But he met an old friend when we arrived. See, he is standing over there.” Yiwah is pointing to the bar and yes, there he is.
For a second I feel like my heart wants to jump out of my chest. He looks so good tonight. His hair is parted slightly to the side and frames his pale face just perfectly. He wears this black, tight shirt I love so much, as it shows off all the right features of his body. The tight skinny jeans is also hugging his legs in all the right places and I can feel my mouth water. I really am like Pavlov’s dog when it comes to this man. I shake my head before I notice a hand on Korn’s arm.
He is standing there with someone. I can’t see his face as he is standing with the back towards me but it’s a man, there is no question about that. But why is he touching Korn? And why is he letting him touch him? I can feel a hotness in my belly I haven’t felt in a long time. Jealousy is starting to spread through my body. But wait…
I have no right to be jealous. We are not a couple. We can both hook up with whoever we want. I just… I just really didn’t think he would do it.
I can’t stop myself from staring at these two. I don’t even register my other friends anymore who most likely are looking at me with worried faces. But all I can see is Korn. Korn laughing with this other man. My chest tightens in a painful way and I take another tequila shot from the table.
“Hey, Knock. Shouldn’t we wait for Korn before we start with the heavy stuff?” Cho’s voice sounds worried, but I honestly couldn’t care less. The golden fluid burns down my throat and somehow it just fuels the hotness that is my jealousy right now.
I see how Korn and his friend are both taking out their phones to exchange numbers and all I can do is take another shot.
I don’t even know why I am reacting this strong.
We are not together anymore. I don’t want to be together anymore. I honestly don’t want to.
But somehow seeing him move on before I can feels like just another slap in the face.
See, Knock. And that’s the reason why you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. Maybe not even a friendship. You will always be the one who gets hurt. You will always be the one who gets his heart broken.
I am taking another shot off the table and I don’t even care about the disapproving looks I get. I don’t care about anything anymore.
All I can feel right now is the jealousy running through my body. My jealousy and my pain. It honestly feels like he just broke my heart all over again.
Under normal circumstances I maybe wouldn’t freak out like this. I mean, in the end Korn is just chatting with an old friend and exchanging numbers with him. It could be all totally innocent for all I know. But in my head, in my heart he could have just fucked this random guy on top of the bar right in front of everyone, me included. It feels the same for me right now.
I know I am unreasonable. I know I am totally freaking out.
But I can’t help it. It’s almost like a switch got turned. A switch that I normally have the best control over, but it’s always the same. Once it’s about him I just can’t seem to keep my brain working. It’s all my heart and my heart is pissed off right now.
I can see Korn waving good bye to his friend and him making his way over to us.
I really can’t deal with him right now. I just can’t. Before he even arrives at our table, I get up. I take another shot from the table, down it and without even saying good bye I just disappear into the night…
Your Heart's Content 