Fanfiction: Know You All Over Again; Chapter 9

Summary:
It had been a while since Korn finally moved out of their shared flat. Knock knew that it was the right decision after everything that happened.
And he was fine. Honestly, he was doing good. He didn’t miss the other man at all. Not one tiny bit… Honestly, not at all…

Couple:
Korn/Knock (Bad Romance, Together With Me; Max/Tul)

Word Count:
66103

Language:
English

Status:
Completed

Know You All Over Again: Chapter Nine

If someone would have told me that my evening would end up like that I would have laughed in their face! Never in my wildest dreams, in my wildest nightmares have I ever thought about ending up in a situation like that.

I am splashing a bit of the cold water from the sink into my face and try to wash away all the remainders of the tears that have been flowing down for the last couple of hours.

When I first noticed the unused condom on the night stand, it almost felt like I was waking up from a daze. I suddenly was so clear, so in the here and now and I couldn’t believe where I ended up.

In a shabby hotel bed with a guy I had just met three hours ago and an unused condom on the night stand.

I remember how I looked up at him. He had just finished and was already on his feet. My heart was pounding in my chest, but I knew what happened. I just knew it. And the only thing coming to my mind was Korn.

Korn, Korn and every time again just Korn. How disappointed he would be, how angry, how jealous, how hurt…

And still…

After my realisations in the bathroom there was no one else I wanted to call then him. I know I am so selfish for dragging him into all this. I know I am hurting him so bad right now but there is nothing else I can do about it.

I am at the end of my tether right now. I don’t know what to do or where to go…

I just can’t go on any longer. I need my best friend. And that’s why I called him. Me, the selfish bastard.

I take another look into the mirror and the face that is looking back at me seems to almost be another person. It is still me, I know that, but it somehow isn’t. I have lost something tonight. I try to swallow the big lump that has lodged itself into my throat hours ago. I just can’t seem to shift it.

After drying off every part of my aching body I try to step back into my clothes. But just lifting my leg hurts like hell. The asshole didn’t even use proper lube. I really can’t believe that I was this stupid.

But I was hurt, I was so, so hurt. And I needed a release for all this pain. A quick and easy release before it started to suffocate me. Before it killed me.

I laugh bitterly while pushing my shirt back over my head. Now there IS actually a chance that I might die. What the hell was I thinking?

I am stopping just for a second in my tracks to take another deep breath. I know that Korn is waiting on the other side of the door for me. Waiting to take me to the clinic. Waiting to take me to my most humiliating experiences ever…

I open the door and I can see him quickly straightening himself up. His shoulders are moving up again, where they were before just hunched over in such defeated stance that it almost broke my heart.

“Hey, I am ready.” I give at him the smallest and tiniest smile I can muster up. What can I say to him? I have no idea. I have dragged him here and now he is living through his personal hell. I really should send him back home, but god knows I am not strong enough to go through this all by myself.

Korn gets up and he holds up his phone.

“I checked where the nearest place is we can go. The Pulse Clinic is just a couple of blocks from here and they are open 24 hours.” He coughs lowly. “They are also specialising in supporting members of the LGBT community.” I silently nod at his statement, a bit confused as to why he had to add the last part to his statement.

Korn is leaving the room before me and it gives me a second to turn around and look back at the bed. The bed that I just shared with another man. The first man since Korn. Suddenly a pain is running through my veins I have hardly ever felt. I flinch slightly and just close the door behind me.

It doesn’t take us long to find the clinic. It’s not far from the hotel and the outside is decorated with tons of rainbow flags and other LGBT symbols. Somehow it makes the place feel less threatening.

But I still try to grab Korn’s hand in fear. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I can actually feel the pulse inside my head. Suddenly I realise that I am holding onto Korn’s hand for dear life. I am just about let go of it, when he just softly grabs my hand back and give me a shy smile. With that he is directing us over to the entrance area.

And even though the people here have tried their hardest to make the clinic look less scary and sterile, in here it still looks like a hospital. The bright neon light is way to loud and the smell of disinfectant is heavy in the air.

Korn looks up and I am about to wonder what he is looking at as he just slowly pulls me in the direction of the reception desk. I didn’t even think about that. I am still just marvelling about the fact where I am….

It almost feels like I am having an outer body experience. I just look on as Korn is quietly waiing the nurse behind the counter.

“Hi, we are here for emergency treatment.” Korn says without even a hint of a blush in his face. I can just stare at him with a dumb look on my face.

“Okay, would you mind telling me what happened?” The young nurse behind the counter is looking at us with a friendly smile on her face.

“My friend had unwillingly unprotected sex with someone. He is also bleeding badly.” Korn add in a quiet voice. The nurse just gives me a look full of compassion and understanding and gives me an encouraging nod.

“Okay, no problem. We are here to help in a situation like that.” She smiles again warmly at us and I am feeling slightly better. The people here obviously are dealing with these things on a regular basis. She hands us some paperwork to fill out and Korn is again gently steering me over to the seating area.

While he is busy going through the questionnaire all I can do is look at him. How he is taking charge…. How he is just doing everything in his power to make me feel as comfortable as he can… And he knows every answer to every question on the questionnaire. Starting at my date of birth all the way down to my blood type…

A warm feeling is lightly spreading through my chest, but just until the call of my name throws me cruelly again into reality.

“Knock?” A young male nurse is calling out into the room and suddenly it feels like all eyes in the room are on me. I can feel my heartbeat increase immensely and I can feel a slight shiver in my hands.

I know that everything that will follow won’t be pleasant. I know that it will be embarrassing and maybe even painful. And I know that I can’t go through with this by myself.

“Korn?” I look at him with the saddest eyes I can muster up. He looks up and before I even have to say anything a defeated smile appears on his face. He gets up and holds out his hand for me to take.

I do so gladly and together we follow the nurse into the doctor’s office.

“The doctor will be here in a second. You can just take a seat.” He says with a friendly voice, but somehow not even the friendly atmosphere and cheery people can make this place appear more friendly. I look around, see posters about safe sex and the right use of a condom. If it wouldn’t be so incredibly cruel, it would almost be hilarious.

I am fidgeting in my seat until a warm hand finds his way to my knee. My head shoots up and when I look into Korn’s face all I can see is compassion and encouragement. I can finally breath again.

“Hi, I am Good, I am the attending doctor tonight. How can I help?” Good is a nice looking man in his 40ties and he gives the two of us a friendly smile. His eyes are wandering between me and Korn, not knowing who is the patient. I know I have to say something, but it seems like I have lost all control about my tongue.

“Hello, I am Korn and this is my friend Knock.” He smiles at the doctor and all I can do is gripping his hand even more tight.

“Hello, Korn and Knock.” Good laughs. “So who is the patient?”

“Knock had a bit of an unexpected turn of events tonight.” Korn tries to explain carefully.

“Yes, Phun said that you had unprotected, anal sex. Is that true?” Good states this so matter of factly that it almost makes it more weird. This should be embarrassing. It is embarrassing. But somehow this man is talking about it as if it was every day business. Well then I guess for him it is every day business.

It feels like an eternity until I finally can nod.

“Do you want to talk to me without your friend?” He takes a long, serious look at me, but my reaction is just to hold on even stronger onto Korn’s hand.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind.” Korn says lowly. Good just nods and takes out a notepad and a pen.

“Okay, can you tell me then what happened tonight?” He smiles at me without any judgement or prejudice and somehow it makes it easier to answer.

“I met someone in a bar and I ended up in a hotel room with him. We had sex and he said that he would use a condom. But after… you know… I noticed that he took the condom off before he…” I can feel the knot in my throat grow bigger by the second.

“So you were at the receiving end of the act?” He is making a few notes and I am trying to read what he is writing. But in true doctor’s fashion only a trained specialist can deceiver this handwriting. So I just nod again.

“So I guess since you just met him, you don’t know about his HIV status or anything regarding that. Do you maybe have any shared friends or acquaintances you could ask?” And I suddenly feel so incredibly stupid and idiotic. How did I let things go this far? How? Instead of an answer I just shake my head. It really feels like I am not able to just say one word at all.

“It says here in your admission’s paper that you are also suffering from some rectal bleeding.” Good stated matter of factly and I honestly just wish that the ground could open up now and swallow me whole. “Can you maybe describe it a bit further?” With this question my embarrassment and guilt is just shooting through the roof. I just look at him dumbfound and keep quiet.

“Knock. You need to talk to me. If you don’t tell me what happened, I can’t help you. You understand that?” He says softly like a doctor would talk to a three year old afraid of a vaccination.

With that I am trying to straighten up a bit.

“I noticed the bleeding when I went to the shower afterwards. He already left by then.” I look down at my hands. My right is still connected with Korn’s and even though I can feel my whole life somehow desolve around me, his hand is the only consistency.

“Knock, the next thing I have to ask you is a bit uncomfortable, but please answer it honestly. Did he actually force you to anything you didn’t want to?” Good’s voice is still the perfect mixture of compassion and professionalism, but still I can feel Korn’s hand tighten for the tiniest second.

“No, he didn’t.” I declare with a clear tone. “I didn’t consent to sex without a condom. But the rest was on me.” Again I can feel his hand almost shiver from trying to restrain himself. I can feel something inside my chest crumble. I know that I am disappointing him with this. But it’s the truth. All of this is my fault. My fault alone. Because I was stupid. Because I am just an immature, not-thinking-things-through-for-once-in-my-life, idiot…

“Do you remember if he used any form of lubricant?” Good asks and I can hear the sharp intake of breath from the left.

“I honestly couldn’t say. He used something, but I really don’t know what.” I look at the doctor with a sheepish face while trying to just wrestle my hand back from the tight grip Korn is still holding on me. But he just doesn’t give way. Not even a millimetre.

“Okay, I think it will be best if we just do a quick examination. We can clean any wounds up and make sure that you don’t hurt any more then necessary. We obviously need to do a test for STDs and HIV.” I look at him with a mixture of horror and confusion.

“Why do a test now? You wouldn’t be able to see anything that quickly anyway.” I just let slip.

“Yes, that’s correct. But we need to check if you might have HIV or anything else already. Because in that case our treatment would look different. And I am just assuming that tonight was not your first time having sex.” He smiles again encouragingly and I am trying to put something similar on my face. But I fail miserably and I know it.

I take a quick side glance to Korn. We have been together for so long now. He is the only person I have slept with in forever. I should be totally clean. So why do a test?

Because he cheated on you…. A tiny voice in my head is suddenly screaming inside of me.

Because you don’t know if he cheated just that once…

I try to find Korn’s eyes, but they are just flittering all over the doctor’s desk. I can see that his mind is going like 100 miles an hour, but I have honestly no idea, what is going on in his head right now…

Instead I just nod at Good in front of me.

“Okay, let’s go and do the examination.” He shows me to the door to the examination room and I somehow feel like a lamb going to his slaughter. A cold shower is running over my back and I can feel every fibre of my body fighting against going into that room. I can feel bile rising in my stomach and…

And suddenly I can feel Korn’s hand in mine again. How he gently strokes over the back of my hand. Hos how caresses every square centimetre. I look back into his face and I can see a smile on his face. An encouraging and loving smile. I just nod shortly and follow the doctor to the room.

It’s about an hour later then we finally sit again in the doctor’s office waiting for Good to come back with all the results. Korn has hardly spoken with me. He is just hanging after his own thoughts and I just can’t bring myself to blame him. Taking him here is the most hurtful thing I could have done. It’s so selfish and I somehow hate myself for putting him through this. So I just stayed quiet next to him. Pretending that all the tests, all the questions… everything was just happening to someone else.

Someone else, but not me.

It’s almost scary how easy it is to just watch everything like it is happening to someone else. It’s almost like sitting in front of the television, eating popcorn while the lead in front of you is ruining his whole life with one drunken mistake.

Good’s arrival at the office is bringing me back to reality.

“Okay. I have some good news and some bad news.” He sits down on the office chair behind the desk, while going through some papers that are surely my test results.

Again I can feel bile rising up my stomach, but the strong, warm hand on my knee is ankering me to the present.

“The results show you don’t have HIV or any STDs at this moment in time. So that’s a very good basis. As I already told you during the examination you have some tearing in your rectal passage and that’s where the bleeding was coming from. It will hurt for a couple of days I am afraid. But with the right ointment it shouldn’t be too bothersome for you.” He smiles at me and I am starting to feel a little bit more at ease.

“Okay, now to the bad news.” Good takes a deep breath before he continues. “Unfortunately everything looks like you are currently at a high risk of having contracted HIV tonight. The way you described the encounter I hardly believe that this guy has done something like that for the first time. You also had a tear which led to bleeding which again heightens the chances of being infected.” It really shouldn’t be a surprise. I knew that it was coming. But hearing it out loud was something different all together.

It felt like someone was ripping up the ground from underneath me…

“But the good thing is that you came here straight away. We can start you on a course of Pep straight away. It works best if we can start the treatment during the first 24 hours after exposure. So you are absolutely in the best time frame. You have to take Pep for 28 days and then we are going to do another test to see if something in your status changed.”

Everything around me just feels like static electricity. It’s like waves crashing over my head, over and over again. I can hear Korn asking the doctor something, but I don’t even understand what they are saying. I just stare in front of me and let all the words run riot in my head.

Post exposure prophylaxis… Exposure… HIV…. Best chances… Status… Pep…

My world is just such a whirlwind in front of me and somehow I can’t find a way to stop it.

“Are there any side effects we need to be aware of?” I can finally hear Korn’s voice again. As always he is asking the sensible questions. As always he is clearing up my mess…

I have never felt more worthless…

“The side effects can be quiet severe during the first couple of days. It’s been a lot worse with older medication, but the worst thing you will get with this one is nausea and vomiting. So maybe try to take it slow during the first couple of days.” With these words he passes on some papers to Korn who just takes everything over and thanks Good profoundly. I am just standing next to him like a disobedient child. Quiet and not 100% sure what to say…

On our way out of the clinic Korn again takes charge of everything. He is getting my prescription, pays the bill and even call us a cab.

I should be happy and grateful for everything he is doing. But instead I just feel worse and worse by the second…

He was right. He was right all along…

He was right when he was hiding me… He was right when he was jealous all the time… He was right, right, right…

The tears that are suddenly shooting into my eyes are coming so deep from my heart that I am almost afraid to shed them.

Until now I thought I had to protect myself from him…

But now I have realised something: It’s not me that needs protection… It’s him…