Summary:
Leaving is never easy. But Ming didn’t expect it to hurt this much.
Couple:
Ming/Kit (2Moons2)
Word Count:
1718
Language:
English
Don’t Leave
I can see him folding his clothes neatly before he puts them into his sports bag. It’s crazy to think that even after everything that happened there are still so many of his clothes left in my dorm room. With every piece that he collects and stores away in this manner I can feel my own despair growing.
“Kit…” I start but my voice just gives away again. What can I say? What can I say that I haven’t a million times already? What?
Everything has been said and even though I can understand him on a rational level, my heart is breaking into ten million tiny pieces. The pain is not even sharp anymore. It’s not like cutting your finger with a knife. It’s just a dull ache that’s left.
He turns around to me and I can see tears again in his eyes. He sighs and shakes his head almost unnoticeable before he turns again to his bag.
I can just sit on the edge of my bed and watch him. It’s like a movie, where the couple has to break up for whatever reason and you know they will finally be back together after this short period of separation.
The only difference is that this is not a movie. This is real life and there will be no getting back together. There will be no happy end. Hollywood lied to me, I think bitterly to myself.
I can’t help but let the hollow feeling of my heart wash over my whole body. I didn’t know that pain could feel like this. I really had no idea. But then again I was never in love before.
I thought I knew what love was about, the arrogant young bastard that I was. But meeting Kit showed me how wrong I was. I had no idea about love, not even the faintest clue until he stepped into my life and set me ablaze in the most beautiful way I could ever imagine.
This man has changed me, has changed my life…
And now I am supposed to let him just walk out of my life again? How? How am I supposed to live without him? I have no idea. He has always been the one for me. Saying goodbye like this… I just can’t…
I close my eyes for a second and try to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall all over again. I close my eyes and hope that when I open them again due to some mysterious wink of fate things are back to how they were before. Things are okay again and Kit can stay with me…
But I know that life doesn’t work like this.
I can hear him cough gently to catch my attention and in an instance my eyes are on him again. He looks down on his bag while he is fiddling with the zipper.
“I think I got everything…” His voice is so tiny and small, it makes me ache even more. I don’t want him to hurt. “I think I should…”
“Stay!”
Before I even know what my tongue is doing the word is out of my mouth. It hangs in the air between us and it’s almost like we both can see it floating in between us.
For a second our eyes meet again and just for this second i can see our whole story right in front of me. All the laughs, all the fights, all the bickering and all the love…
It hits me like a fist to my stomach and for a second I feel like I can’t breathe. But then Kit turns away again. He takes his bag and opens it.
“I didn’t know if i should give it to you but somehow…” he stops again and takes a picture frame out of his bag. He holds it towards me, but it seems like he can’t even look at me anymore.
I take the frame out of his hand and I can see our smiling faces staring back at me. It’s a photo taken during better days. When things were easier, when love really was all we needed…
I know this picture, I know this frame. It is the frame that stood next to Kit’s bed for the last two years. It was the first photo taken of the two of us after Kit finally accepted me as his boyfriend.
You can so clearly see the happiness radiating off me. It’s like I am shining like the sun and not like the moon I am supposed to be. I just smile goofily into the camera while Kit looks at me.
And somehow Yo, who took the picture, managed to capture the rare moment when Kit lets down his guard. When he is not looking like the scolding senior he always appeared to be. It was a moment when Kit just looked at me with wonder and with so much love… The tears are creeping up my eyes again. I always loved this picture…
“You know I can’t take it with me… My parents… “ He doesn’t even need to continue. I know what he can’t say and I am trying to swallow the big lump that is forming rapidly in my throat.
“I just can’t throw it away…” His voice finally breaks and I look up.
I can see that he finally lost his fight against his tears. His pretty face is slowly turning pink and he tries desperately to wipe away the pesky tears that keep on falling. I just want to take him into my arms. Just hug him and tell him that everything will be alright.
But what is the point? I would be lying. Things won’t be okay. They will never be okay again and we both know that. We both know that this is the end for us and there is nothing that we can do about it. God knows that we tried for so long to make it work. But in the end…
This is now the moment where we have to accept defeat. We have to accept that there is no way forward anymore. We fought so hard, we fought so long… but in the end… we lost. It is that simple.
Kit always said that he knew that this would happen, I just didn’t want to believe him. I tried to make him see that things could be different and that we could fight this. But in the end, he was right. He knew that this would end. And he was right.
I was just way too addicted to him to even contemplate this outcome. And it appears I even managed to turn Kit into a dreamer… well at least for the last two years…
But there is a moment when you have to wake up.
There is nothing that you can do about it. I just still have no idea how I am supposed to live without him. He has always been the one for me. He has always been the most important person in my life…
But now…
I suddenly can hear a sob. So tiny and fragile, but for me it’s like an earthquake running through my body. I can’t help myself anymore. I just get up and pull Kit into my arms. My arms are closing around his waist and I am losing myself in his warmth and his smell.
I can feel him crying even harder now and I can’t help it anymore. I let the tears finally flow. They are so big and heavy, but they are silent. While Kit is still sobbing into my chest, I just have these big tears running down my cheek, getting his hair all wet.
It’s funny what strange things you notice in situations like this. I can feel him trembling in my arms and I never want to let him go.
“Ming?” His voice is so shaky and small. It breaks so many things inside me. I am surprised I still can feel anything. I am surprised there is still anything left at all.
“Please do something for me. Please…” He sounds so broken, but whatever he is gonna ask I will do. I know without a shadow of a doubt.
“Please move on. Don’t be alone. You are not good on your own. You are just gonna do something stupid. So please find someone else, okay? Just forget me…” He looks up into my eyes and I can see the sincerity in them. He means it, he really, really means it. So all I can do is nod.
“But I will never forget you. Even if I tried, there is no way that I could ever forget us and how we were together. You taught me so much, Kit. I love you so, so much. And that will never stop.” With every word I am saying Kit’s sobs are just getting harder and I can do nothing else then pull him close again.
“I love you, Kit. I love you so much. Please never forget that. When you feel alone or sad… Please remember that somewhere in this world there is a huge puppy dog always loving you…”
Suddenly Kit almost pushes me away while trying to leave my embrace. His tears are still falling hard and fast and I can see my own pain mirrored in his face.
“I’m so sorry, Ming… I am so sorry…” He just grabs his bag and turns around.
He flees from my room without turning around again. And in a way I can’t even blame him. I don’t think I would have been able to let him go…
I fall back onto my bed and the tears are still running down my cheeks. I find the picture frame laying next to me and with a sad smile I pick it up.
We looked so different back then. So carefree, so happy, so in love…
And what is left of all of it?
I am hollow, so hollow…
And I don’t think there can ever be anything soothing the pain that I am feeling right now.
My index finger is gently brushing over the glass of the frame, over Kit’s glowing smile, his wondrous eyes… My beautiful, perfect Kit…
“Goodbye, my love…”
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